ZombieHood
by mylogiceatsyou-and-railise
Summary: Where everybody is still alive. In a manner of speaking. Because Zombie Robs thinks we're funny.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

_Everyone becomes zombies and must fight evil leatherworkers._

**Disclaimer:** Even though we've been housing Zombie Robs and Regular Robs in exchange for housework and inflatable-pool cleaning, we still don't make any money from them and probably wouldn't be granted custody of them or anyone else in a court of law. Which, frankly, is highly disappointing.

In our RH world, things are different. Anything's possible. There is an evil conglomerate called the I(&AFR)LJRU (Intricate (and Accurate For Realz) Leather Jerkins 'R' Us) working out of the Holy Land, selling medieval Zoloft to Much and sending thugs after Robin, who's disappointed to learn that he didn't discover this fashion trend-- Team Leather had been buying from them for years.

Initially, it was Zombie Marian and Zombie Guy wandering through Sherwood, with Living Robin along for the ride (who was fairly well-adjusted, all things considered). But they decided he must become a zombie, too, since he had an annoying habit of keeping his body parts attached. As Zombie Guy went to zombify Robin, Much jumped in to save him, and got run through along with Robs when Guy's arm fell off and he was unable to stop the swing. Zombie Carter's on his way back from the Holy Land, and Zombie La Grande has zombified Little John so that he has another Zombie Big Man friend.

Zombie Carter makes a grand entrance, and guess who is with him? None other than GKR! In recognition of services to his king, what with dying and all, GKR has decided Zombie Carter can continue to protect him...just so long as he is careful with that left arm, because the few times it fell off it really freaked poor Richard out.

Zombie Robs decides that in order to successfully be protected by a bunch of Zombies, GKR really should be one too. It's logic coming from the mouth of Zombie Robs, so they all believe it. Aside from that, Zombie Robs is kinda annoyed that he hasn't gotten to turn anyone into a Zombie yet. So, he tells GKR to stand in front of a tree, puts an apple (and his hand, for just a second) on top of GKR's head and tells him it's a fun game. GKR trusts Zombie Robs, so he plays along, but oh noes GKR, turns out Zombie Robs is slightly devious, and suddenly...we have Zombie GKR...

The problem with GKR not speaking much English is that he keeps getting the William Tell legends confused with Robin's growing fame. So, his trouble started with that. But aside from Zombie Rob's deviousness, his trick shoulder, exacerbated by zombiehood, gave out just as he was letting loose the arrow.

It wasn't pretty, but it was effective.

Meanwhile, now that ZGKR is no longer unnerved by detached limbs, Zombie Carter's letting it all hang out... erm, off. It's actually a pretty decent system he's got worked out, since his head keeps a watch out and hollers when someone's approaching. And frankly, it's worked out well for all of them, since not too many people are willing to challenge a band of zombies in the days before shotguns.

Then, there's Tuck. He comes back to the camp, having been away on Godly business in the...east, or whatevs, and the first thing he encounters on arriving is Zombie Carter's head watching him, and then asking who the hell he is, because Zombie Carter doesn't yet know Tuck. So Tuck does a nervous laugh, calls out to Robs for an explanation, not realising Robs is now Zombie Robs. So Zombie Robs walks out of the camp wondering what all the noise is, holding Zombie Marian's hand. He left the rest of her behind by accident. So Tuck sees Zombie Robs and Zombie Maz's hand and demands an explanation, holding his cross in front of him. Zombie Guy, Zombie La Grande, and Zombie LJ look on, amused. Zombie Much is trying to fish his tongue out of a pot of squirrel stew. Zombie Robs warned him about singing when he was cooking.

So, Zombie Much finally finds his tongue, Zombie Maz realizes Zombie Robs has got her hand, everyone else is fairly entertained, and Living But Soon to Be Otherwise (LBStBO) Tuck is wondering wtf...

Marian comes storming out of the camp, telling Robin to grow up because the pretending not to notice she isn't attached to her hand thing is getting old, and by this point Living But Soon to Be Otherwise (LBStBO) Tuck is really getting confused, poor bloke.

So Zombie LJ takes pity on him, whacks him over the head with his staff and voila! Tuck is now no longer LBStBO, he is now Zombie Tuck.

And with in-house problems settled, they must now begin plans for the arrival of the I(&AFR)LJRU. (They know they're coming because when formerly-living Tuck was over in the east with his god business or whatevs, he heard about it.)

Of course, when Zombie Maz chews out Zombie Robs (figuratively, and a bit literally, as well) for continuously taking off with her hand, he tells her she looks gorgeous with any number of hands, so she gut-punches him with her wrist stump, becoming more frustrated-- and making him laugh harder-- when her stump gets stuck in his stomach cavity.

She starts to really get irritated by his entertainment at her expense, and goes to kick him, but Zombie Allan, having just returned from pulling cons at the inn for brains, pulls her off (out) of Zombie Robs and hands her flailing self to Zombie LJ to hug into submission.

Meanwhile, Zombie Tuck is trying to organize some sort of peaceful way of dealing with the I(&AFR)LJRU. So, Zombie Robs then explains to Zombie Tuck just how the I(&AFR)LJRU roll, because obviously Zombie Tuck doesn't grasp quite how evil they are if he thinks some passive sit down is going to stop them. You see, Team Leather has dosed them with the Weird Mineral found in the Nottingham castle mortar, which turns everyone who breathes it in (except for Edward, Marian and a handful of servants, who have some sort of natural immunity) for too long evil.

(For this, Zombie Guy offers no apologies, but does try to help plan the defense against them.)

Once Zombie LJ has hugged Zombie Maz into submission, and there was some serious squishing going on there, Zombie Maz apologises to Zombie Robs for the stump -in-gut incident, and Zombie Robs apologises for the laughing at her expense, and they agree to a happy Zombie truce.

Fortunately, Will and Djaq came by for a visit just as the Zombie Gang was trying to figure out how to defeat the I(&AFR)LJRU-- Will can build something awesome to help in the defense. But they're living, and that just won't do. So Zombie Tuck and ZGKR, in an initiation of sorts, take care of the currently living Will and Djaq, in ingenius and in character ways...so now everyone present is, once again, a Zombie...

Anyone who isn't us, and who is reading this, should at this point possibly be made to understand the insane amounts of love present amongst the Zombies. They really are an awesome team. No Zombie shall ever be left behind in another land, or made to betray anyone...

Zombie Allan: "Oi!"...

Yes yes, or stab anyone. Not that the stabbing will do much now, but still...it's the thought that counts.

It really is starting to become an initiation-- zombie all for zombie one, and zombie one for zombie all, pretty much. It's a zombie friend-love-in. They'd be singing "Kumbaya" if Zombie Much didn't point out the risk of losing one's tongue-- temporarily, of course.

So, Zombie Will rigs some fantastic Anti-Evil Leatherworker traps. While he's at it, a young blonde woman comes tripping through the woods. Ah, but don't let your mind reel in horror; it's EVE! She couldn't wait any longer for Much to come find her, and has decided to take the initiative. The Head of Zombie Carter spots her and starts yelling a warning-- which causes her to notice it and start screaming, herself. The zombie gang comes shuffling along to find out what's going on, which doesn't really calm her down. But when Zombie Much offers her his heart-- and again, that is a literal action,-- she knows it's all going to be well, and happily goes along with her own zombie initiation.

Zombie Much does the deed, and then Zombie Eve gives him back his heart, though only literally this time; and when Zombie Eve gives Zombie Much back his heart, she gives him her own, as well. This is very romantic if you're a zombie.

Zombie Carter posts his head by the door, and all the Zombie gang sit inside the camp to discuss the overthrowing of the evil Leatherworking overlords. The zombie gang works out a plan, and puts it into effect. Unfortunately, it involves moving quicker than a shamble.

The Zombie lads have walked a few miles from camp, when who should appear through the trees? Why it's the I(&AFR)LJRU, of course.

"Don't worry", says Zombie Robs in his usual manner, "They're LBStBO."

This breaks the tension amongst the Zombies, but makes the I(&AFR)LJRU a little mad, because being masters of acronyms themselves, they like to know what they mean...


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

_The zombie gang battles the leatherworking overlords.  
_

**Disclaimer:** Still without moneys or rights, but having loads of fun anyway! :D

Making a group of Evil Leatherworking Thugs(TM) mad is never a good idea, and the I(&AFR)LJRU spring into action! Tanning instruments whip at limbs, grommeting tools fly... but when the dust clears, the gang's merely gathering up limbs and calmly reattaching them.

The I(&AFR)LJRU is confused.

"Oh, didn't we tell you?" asks Zombie Robs cheerfully.

"Whips and grommeting tools don't work on Zombies", finishes Zombie Guy, laughing.

The Head Thug blinks. "Zombies?" he asks in a heavy Russian accent (because that makes as much sense as anything in our show). "We knew nothing about zombies!"

Zombie Robs smiles that cheeky grin (you know the one we mean), reaches out and takes Zombie Maz's hand (again, literally) to make the message clear.

"That's right!" Zombie Much yells at the stunned thugs. "We're zombies! And if you don't leave right now, we'll eat your brains! And then, you'll be zombies, too!"

The thugs' expressions suddenly lose all fear, and they regard the outlaws calmly.

"Hey, I'm not bein' funny, but they don't look scared anymore," Zombie Allan says quietly to the rest of the gang.

"This, I do NOT like," Zombie LJ declares nervously.

"HEH, HEH, HEH, HEH!" Zombie La Grande guffaws.

"Robin," Zombie Maz murmurs, reattaching her hand, "If they become zombies, we lose the advantage. I should go with them, make them think I'm one of them. Maybe I can find out what their weakness is. I'm in the best position to do so."

Zombie Robs frowns unhappily as Zombie Guy, having overheard her suggestion, sneers. "Why don't you kiss one of them, tell him you're fond of him, while you're at it?"

"That's not fair," Zombie Maz protests.

Zombie Robs shrugs one shoulder, then quickly pops it back into place before it can hit the ground. "He does have a point," he mutters in irritation.

"We need to focus on the mission," cuts in Zombie Tuck. "We should bring in the villagers, empower them to fight the Leatherworking Overlords."

As he eyes the tripwire he set up, Zombie Will's forehead wrinkles, which then decides to stick like that. "We just need them to move a few feet closer, and we'll have them."

Zombie Djaq pulls a vial out of her hip pouch, and rubs the Mysterious Liquid it contains on Zombie Will's forehead, making it go back to normal. She then sizes up the situation, and gets excited when she realizes how to get them to move closer. "If we all stand up and taunt them, they're sure to move forward!"

The Head of Zombie Carter, currently in its proper place at the top of Zombie Carter's neck, nods, almost dislodging it. "That would work," he agrees, and they all look to Zombie Robs.

He chews on his thumbnail as he considers it, accidentally removing his thumb in the process. As he reattaches it, he nods slowly. "All right. Lads, let's taunt them."

Zombie Robs steps forward, showing nothing but confidence and his usual superiority, even whilst still being a bit grumbly about the Zombie Maz, Zombie Guy thing.

Before Zombie Robs can open his mouth, Zombie Maz steps forward.

"Oh please, thugs, I mean nice Leather craftsman, save me from these evil Zombie outlaws...I cannot bear it any longer."

Zombie Robs looks outraged that Zombie Maz has not listened to reason and is sticking to her silly idea, when he realises it is working. The thugs begin their approach.

The thugs are mere centimeters from the tripwire when another blonde comes shrieking through the forest, coming up behind the thugs and about to bypass them. She has a bow sort of aimed at Zombie Guy (guess she didn't get the memo regarding effectiveness of arrows on zombies), and is screaming something about her brother.

Bemused, the thugs all stop in their tracks and watch as she runs past them-- right into the tripwire, triggering the lampoon-sized arrow Zombie Will had rigged to go through the entire line of Evil Leatherworkers. (He'd recovered it from the sheriff's Scrapheap of Failed Outlaw-Killing Schemes.)

Witnessing the effect of a trap rigged for a few dozen armored men on one unarmored harpie-- erm, villager, the leatherworkers fall back a bit to rethink their options. Meanwhile, the zombie gang looks on in shock and dismay, not sure what to do about the village girl.

"She's all right," Zombie Allan says thoughtfully.

Zombie Much opens his mouth to agree, but Zombie Eve says sweetly, "One word, and there'll be tongue to go with the squirrel in the stew tonight. And no rescuing it this time."

Zombie Robs, still slightly irked at Zombie Maz, starts to shrug, but remembers what keeps happening to his shoulder when he does just in time and instead says, "I'd hit that. Oh, if it weren't for you, my love." And he smirks at her.

Zombie Maz starts to get huffy, and Zombie Allan pats her on the arm. "Hey," he says. "Don't worry about it." And he goes and zombifies Kate, saying something about a butcher's shop to point out how well they'll get on.

Just as they reach the gang's line again, the I(&AFR)LJRU thugs let loose a battle cry...

Zombie Maz, looking oh-so-thrilled with her Zombie husband at the moment, draws the male Zombie's attention back to the situation at hand. She ever so sweetly taps Zombie Robs on the shoulder (oh, did it fall out again, I am sorry darling) and reminds him of the now fast approaching I(&AFR)LJRU.

"Right. Time to disappear," Zombie Robs acknowledges, popping his arm back in once more with an exasperated look to his zombie wife. Glancing around, he calls, "My zombie gang, this way!" and gestures for them to follow him.

They might be able to move only at a shuffle, but fortunately they were quite near camp, and when the I(&AFR)LJRU reaches the ravine, they have no idea where the zombie outlaws have gone. After fruitlessly looking around for awhile, they decide to go to the castle and see if they can't get assistance from the sheriff.

When the I(&AFR)LJRU first reach the castle, and explain their situation with the now Zombie outlaws, he is initially lacking in sympathy.

"Do I care? A clue: no."

So the I(&AFR)LJRU ask him if we would be willing to care, for the right price, and of course, a jazzed up and for realz new set of leather outfits.

Vaizey has them toss in a bottle of black ink for his toenails, and a rawking hawt outfit for the crazy lady who's been wandering the castle and who looks a lot like Gizzy (not so much because he gives a crap about her, but because he's not really digging the gold dress she occasionally wears). They agree, and Vaizey starts cooking up a plan to catch the zombie gang. The crazy-but-rawking-hawt-Gizzy-looking-lady (herein known as CBRHGLL, or "Izzy" for short) tosses in a surprisingly clever idea here and there, but Vaizey's not so fond of being shown up by CBRHGLL's, or anyone for that matter, and has her thrown off a parapet.

The story being what it is, however, she is now a zombie.

So Zombie CBRHGLL (Izzy) decides to hell with Vaizey; she'll go see what the deal is with these Zombie outlaws. She's convinced that Robs and she really did have something good going for a while there, so why not give it another shot?

(She's unaware that Zombie Maz is back in the picture, unfortunately. And that she is protective of her husband, and hates it when his eyes wander...especially when it's not just literal.)

Zombie CBRHGLL, or Zizzy, wanders through Sherwood, thinking thoughts of zombie lust regarding Zombie Robs, and walks smack into ZGKR, who's been off doing ZOMG knows what since his...erm, metamorphosis?

"Your majesty," Zizzy says hastily, dropping into a low curtsy and stumbling when her left leg disconnects.

Helping her regain her balance, ZGKR studies her as she pops her hip back into place. "And who might you be?" he asks curiously.

"Zizzabella of Zizzborne... erm, I mean, Gisborne."

"Ah!" the zombie king exclaims, clapping her on the back and nearly knocking her head off. "Guy's sister, of course! He's a good man-- zombie-- whatever, that Guy."

Zizzy looks at the king sideways, which can't really be helped, since her head's hanging halfway off her neck. "Um, with all due respect, surely you can't mean Guy of Gisborne, the man who's been perpetrating evils all across the shire for the last several years?"

Chuckling, ZGKR helps Zizzy set her head to rights. "I do, indeed, mean your brother. All of those actions are in the past; he's one of us now."

Zizzy's still trying to process that one (not an easy feat, with zombie brains), when The Head of Zombie Carter spies them and starts hollering their arrival.

At Zombie Carter's hollering, Zombie Robs, Zombie Maz, Zombie Guy, and the rest of the motley Zombie crew come rushing out of the camp, ready to defend ZGKR, if necessary. Upon seeing Zizzabella, Zombie Guy is shocked. In fact, his mouth falls open so fast his jaw detaches. Ever helpful, Zombie Much picks it up for him whilst the less helpful Zombie La Grande's input is his usual laugh.

Zizzabella runs forward, ready to embrace her brother, when she finally notices the Zombie woman whose hand is being held by Zombie Robs. Not realising this is the fabled and special Zombie Maz from Zombie Robs and Zombie Guy's past, and therefore his wife, she glares daggers at Zombie Robs. "You moved on already! How could you?! And just who, exactly, is this Zombie wench?"

Zombie Robs opens his mouth to reply and hopefully end the situation before Zombie Maz can react, but it is too late. No 'new Zombie' is going to call her a wench and get away with it.

Zombie Maz executes what would have been a flawless series of cartwheels ending in a stunning kick to Zizzy's jaw... that is, it would have been flawless in her previous incarnation. As things stand, she accidentally sends a few toes and fingers flying, but still manages to land the kick.

Zizzy's jaw goes soaring away, maintaining the resemblence between the Zombie Giz Kids, since Guy's having trouble getting his to stay in place now. (Zombie Djaq is stepping in to offer a hand, and some zombie medical help along with that hand.) Zizzy gets that crazy look in her eyes, and Zombie Much starts to warn her against it, but it's too late-- the left one falls out and rolls away. Despite this, she dives at Zombie Maz with zombie claws extended.

Zombie Maz is just snapping her last finger back into place, but manages to duck back and avoid the claws. However, Zizzy snags a handful of Zombie Maz's hair, which just doesn't have the staying power it used to do. Zombie Maz shrieks in fury and lunges for Zizzy, and some epic(-ally disgusting zombie) hair-pulling ensues.

Meanwhile, Zombie Robs knows that he should really step in, but something deep inside of him just won't allow him to intervene. Also, Zombie Allan is having to restrain Zombie Kate, who's wanting to join in, and she is flailing wildly in an attempt to get loose.

And if we thought zombie cartwheels had an unfortunate result, zombie flailing is that much worse.

The flailing really is not pretty. First Zombie Kate loses an arm, and then a leg. At this point, Zombie Allan lets go, not wanting things to get too out of hand. So Zombie Kate, now free and in too much of a rage to worry about the missing arm and leg, begins to hop towards the fight, because Zizzy is doing exactly what she had wanted to do, damn it.

Using the distraction of Zombie Kate launching herself head first (literally first, a few seconds before the rest of herself), Zombie Maz reattaches her hair with a disgusted sigh, then very quietly looks to Zombie Robs for reassurance. With a smile, Zombie Robs assures her she is beautiful, and Zombie Maz preens. Then, looking at the two Zombie women who would steal her husband fighting it out amongst themselves, Zombie Maz takes Zombie Robs hand and decides to let them rip each other apart (both literally and figuratively. Though she believes Zizzy to be in favour of winning as she was already ahead by an arm and a leg).

When the dust settles, there's a pile of arms, legs, and other assorted body parts where Zizzy and Zombie Kate had been brawling. Everyone looks at each other, and then look a little sadly at Zombie Allan. He shrugs.

"Eh, she was all right. But there's a couple rather nice-looking birds at the Trip who don't mind zombies."

[I always rather took Allan for a tavern-wenching sort, lol.]

"Now, if we could focus, there is an evil conglomerate meeting with the sheriff," Zombie Tuck points out.

"He's right," Zombie Robin says. "And I have a plan."

All the other zombies look at him skeptically.

"Well... _half_ a plan," he admits. "Right. What will happen is that Zombie Guy will get himself arrested, and then--"

"Oh, no no no," interjects Zombie Guy. "We've been down that road before. No repeat performances for me."

"But, you're a Zombie now," Zombie Robs whines. "It'll be different."


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER THREE**

_The zombie gang gets a half-brother ally._

**Disclaimer:** Zombie Robs says that, while we own his heart right along with Zombie Maz, we can never own him.

Deep in the heart of England, there's an undead legend.

And seducing most of the women in the heart of England, is the undead legend's half-brother. That is, until he finally gets cornered by one of said women's husbands, who's better with a throwing star than he is.

Since zombieness is in the Nottingham air, presto: Zombie Archer.

While the zombie gang tries to cook up a plan for dealing with the I(&AFR)LJRU, they're suddenly all hit in the neck with darts.

Which does nothing, since they're zombies.

"Well, hell," Malcolm mutters from deep within his cloak.

"Who are you and what do you want?" Zombie Guy demands, shuffling toward him with sword extended.

"I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past," Malcolm rasps mysteriously.

Just then, he wanders too close to where Zombie Kate's head is resting near the zombie catfight body part pile, and she shrieks something about her brother again (it's hard to decipher, since most of it's in a pitch human ears can't hear) before biting his ankle.

"Yeowch!" he hollers.

As he's distracted, Zombie Guy uses the tip of his sword to push back Malcolm's cloak hood. Unfortunately, his wrist detaches just as he does, and now Malcolm's a zombie, too.

"Dad?" Zombie Robs asks in disbelief.

"Hey, son." Zombie Malcolm waves. Glancing at his zombified self, he muses, "Wish I'd thought of this twenty years ago."

"Speaking of that," Zombie Guy begins.

"_Dad?_" Zombie Robs repeats. "I... I thought you were dead. Hugz?"

Zombie Malcolm waves them both off. "There's no time! Suffice it to say that I'm a selfish bastard who brought a whole lot of pain on everybody, but the angst you've both been walking around with because of me is completely unimportant, and you need to get over it. What is important is that your whorish younger half-brother-- hey, Guy; btw, I banged your mom and she was HOT-- has been turned into a zombie, and the only way you can defeat the I(&AFR)LJRU is by getting him to join with you."

Then, because that's an awfully long speech for a zombie, his tongue falls out.

"Here, let me show you how to fix that," offers Zombie Much, starting to move toward him. Suddenly, he halts. "Wait. You've hurt Robin's feelings. Forget that; figure it out yourself." And he crosses his arms and nods righteously at Zombie Malcolm, while Zombie Eve pats his arm in support.

Everybody else stares at Zombie Malcolm in bemusement.

"Um," Zombie Robin finally says.

"You undead _whoreson!_" Zombie Guy yells, reattaching his sword wrist and starting forward.

Zombie Malcolm finally gets his jaw and tongue in relatively the right places, and holds up a finger (one of Zizzy's, actually). "To be fair, I'm not the whoreson here."

Zombie Allan snorts. "Makes my family look all right, eh, Much?"

Before things can deteriorate any further (referring, of course, to both the situation and the gang), Zizzy manages to reassemble herself, which she's been doing whilst everyone's dealing with Zombie Malcolm's revelations. Missing only her finger, which Zombie Malcolm is now using to scold Zombie Robs for not being nicer to the Zombie Giz Kids when he was younger, she sneaks off for Nottingham, wondering if she can use this zombie half-brother.

Zombie Guy and Zombie Robs are now looking at each other in a standoffish kind of way, waiting for the other to move.

Finally, Zombie Robs shouts, "You killed my wife! And...some other stuff about your Mum thinking my Dad was pretty damn awesome so it's not his fault!" and is about to launch himself at Zombie Guy, when Zombie Tuck, ever the wise peacemaker, reminds him that yes, this is true...but they are all dead now so what will more piles of Zombie body parts achieve? He then moves to stand in front of them all (Zombie Robs looks grouchy because inspiring speeches are _his thing_) and gives the lads a rousing speech about how England must unite under a new banner, for a new cause...the cause of the Zombies!

Oh, and by the way, thanks, Zombie Tuck-- your speech gave Zizzy a clean getaway.

Zombie Guy and Zombie Robs decide they must now ride to York (Zombie Malcolm has since left to...not die in peace), alone (because don't worry, Zombie Much, no one will recognise a couple of undead outlaws riding through the streets) to rescue their illegitimate Zombie Bro.

Unfortunately, their horses aren't too keen on being ridden by the undead. But Zombie LJ points out that it's only 83.9 miles from Nottingham to York, "a good stretch of the legs," and they can get there in no time with just a zombie shuffle through the forest. So, off the gang shuffles-- except for ZGKR, who's getting a piggyback ride from Zombie Carter because he's the zombie king, and all.

As they move through the forest, Zombie Robs decides they should have some sort of lookout, but The Head of Zombie Carter is occupied watching the way for Zombie Carter's body, which is carrying ZGKR, so Zombie Robs reaches over and grabs Zombie Guy's head, sticking it on the end of his sword and moving through Sherwood.[1]

Unfortunately, since this writer had placed Zombie Archer in Nottingham instead of York, when the gang shows up, all they find is a clingy cougar. So, realizing that they're in the wrong place, they turn around and begin the 83.9 mile shuffle back to Nottingham.

Zombie Much, unsurprisingly, complains about the long shuffle back. Then suggests a song to improve the mood.

"No! No song! Absolutely no song!" are the familiar words from Zombie Robs.

Zombie Maz wisely also puts in her two...thrupence. "Think of your tongue, Much."

Zombie Much reluctantly agrees. Meanwhile, Zombie Allan, ignoring all of this, has started quietly singing a tune under his breath. It sounds as if he is singing about Zombie LJ and Zombie Robs walking through a forest...

By the time they shuffle back into Nottingham, the whole gang is chiming in for a chorus of "Ooh da lallies" (which is no mean feat, when their tongues keep falling out from the plethora of "L"s in there). Zombie Eve and Zombie Much are singing the loudest, helping each other out with the tongue thing because they're seriously the cutest zombie couple ever.

As they near the town gate, Zombie Robs shushes them. "We need to sneak in, not get noticed. Quick, lads, don your hoods!"

"Should we tuck our Robin Hood tags into our shirts, so they can't be seen?" ZGKR asks, since he's kinda new to the outlaw scene.

"Nah," Zombie Robs waves this off. "We're cool with just the hoods."

And once the hoods are donned, in they sneak, unnoticed by the guards.

Zombie Much and Zombie Eve admire each other in their hoods, because for realz, cutest Zombie couple ever, whilst Zombie Carter's head (now drowned in a hood) asks for some assistance. His body, with directions from Zombie La Grande ("Heh heh heh, no, your other left") picks up the head. Zombie Robs contemplates this scene for a moment.

"We need to pass as living until we're inside. Much, find me a large stick."

Zombie Much looks about him at the flat, grassy Meadow (which was introduced by an arrow and the words 'THE MEADOW') that they are standing in, just outside the Town gates, sees no sticks, shrugs and pulls his toasting fork from his bag.

"Why on earth do you have that?" asks ZGKR. Zombie Much looks at him oddly, as if that is the stupidest question ever.

"Master likes toasted marshmallows with his hot chocolate." (Historical accuracy FTW!)

"Good thinking, Much," says Zombie Robs, taking the toasting fork and facing Zombie Carter's body.

"Hold still..." And he shoves the toasting fork, handle-first into Zombie Carter's body's neck. He then takes Zombie Carter's head and shoves it onto the other end of the toasting fork.

"There," says Zombie Robs proudly. "Now you look as human as the rest of us."

...Which isn't a hugely encouraging statement, given the givens, but they'll take what they can get.

Looking as human as they ever will again underneath their subtle, hooded cloaks, they sneak subtly past the guards. As they pass, one of the guards turns to the other and wrinkles his nose.

"Ugh! At least you could say, 'Excuse me.'"

The gang exchange amused glances and move into the town. As they turn a corner, they suddenly come across Zizzy, face-to-face with a zombie who can only be the half-brother of Zombie Robs and Zombie Guy. He's just leaning in for a snog, and everyone yells, "NO!"

Freezing, Zombie Archer turns toward the group. "Excuse me, but WHO might you lot be?"

"We're your zombie half-brothers," Zombie Guy replies.

"And she's your zombie half-sister, which is why we yelled," Zombie Djaq adds.

Zombie Archer looks back and forth between them all. "Are any of you rich?"

Zizzy raises her hand, accidentally snagging it on a loose nail on the building behind her so that when she lowers her arm, she leaves half of it hanging there. However, Zombie Archer takes this as meaning that she's just really incredibly rich, so rich she doesn't even put her arm down, and shrugs. "I think, then, I'm just gonna keep going as I was," he says, leaning back in toward Zizzy.

"OI!" a bunch of them holler.

"That's disgusting," Zombie Much moans.

Zombie Guy meets Zombie Archer's eye and gives a sympathetic shrug. "I know, I get it; but he's right."

Unable to defend it, Zombie Archer sighs. "FINE. Whaddya want, anyway?"

Clapping him on the shoulder, and then reattaching it with rather less gusto (which reminds Zizzy of her arm still hanging beside her, so she retrieves it and snaps it back in place), Zombie Robs invites him, "Join us in our fight against the Venetian Evil, otherwise known as the I(&AFR)LJRU."

"Erm, why?" Zombie Archer responds, not totally sold on this.

"Cos we're zombie brothers!" Zombie Robs exclaims. "Together, we will be unstoppable."

"Yeah, that doesn't really cut it for me," Zombie Archer says.

Zombie Allan speaks up. "We can pull some cons in the Trip for extra change, if it's really that important to you."

Zombie Archer raises an eyebrow, which dislodges half of the hairs in it. "You hang out at the Trip? Hey, you know that creepy dude in the corner?"

Stumped, Zombie Allan asks, "What creepy dude in the corner?"

"The one that's been there for the last ten years. What, don't you go there often?"

"I go there constantly. Never noticed a creepy dude in the corner, though."

"That's a shame. He's a font of unknowable information."

Zombie Tuck huffs. "Could we PLEASE get back to the task at hand?"

"Right," Zombie Robs agrees. "So, Zombie Brother, what do you say?"

Zombie Archer shrugs. "Meh. I'll hang with you, I guess. You should probably know that I'm a fickle bastard and will change sides every five minutes, though."

"We'll take our chances," says Zombie Guy. "Just don't kiss my satan spawn sister ever again, or I'll have your head."

Zombie Robs interrupts here. "Um, Guy? That threat's not so threatening anymore."

Zombie Kate, who is still straggling along behind (everyone thought she got the point, back in Sherwood) interjects here, in a strange and unrelated way, "Robin, don't trust him, he killed my brother!"

Zombie Robs raises an eyebrow, gesturing at Zombie Maz, who speaks up. "And what am I, blondie? Chopped liver? I think you'll find that all Guy angsting shall be related to me, thank you. Besides, that is all so five minutes ago."

Zombie Kate then cries and runs away, no doubt straight into a trap...

OF COURSE, she gets captured, by none other than Final Henchman of the Week Who Seemed As Though He Should've Been a More Permanent Character (Did He Even Have a Name?), otherwise known as FHotWWSATHSBaMPC(DHEHaN?), or Steve, for short. He chuckles as he looks at her.

"Heh. I'll bet Hood will give himself up for you."

"Not bloody likely!" Zombie Kate shrieks. "You watch yourself, or I'll run you through!" And she manages to elbow him in the gut (thereby dislodging said elbow and the rest of her arm below it), grab his sword with the other hand, and shuffle around until she's facing him.

He grins creepily at her. "You silly girl, I'm wearing CHAINMAIL."

She grins at him, which she simply meant to be toothy, but which is WAY more creepy than his by dint of, y'know, she's a zombie. "Yeah? Well, welcome to NOTTINGHAMSHIRE!" she shrieks, and runs him through.

Again, though, with the air and all, and Steve is now Zombie Steve. There's about to be a massive face-off between the undead trained soldier and the undead village girl, when Zizzy shuffles up.

"Steve, NO! This one's mine," she hisses through her now-very-prominent teeth, and once again, there's a giant whizzy ball of zombie women and dust, a la something out of Tom & Jerry. But with zombies and medieval-type costumes.

By the time the dust settles, they're once again a pile of body parts, and Zombie Steve has left to see what Vaizey wants him to do.

The dust ball had kept on showing little animated words such as "Pow!" and "Smash!" and "Bitey bitey Zombie!"

Zombie Robs and Co., standing on the castle wall to see what all the commotion was about, are goggle-eyed. It's really kind of gross; their eyes end up drooping out of their sockets.

Zombie Carter looks amused. "I guess she sure showed him."

Zombie Maz looks miffed, again. "What did he mean, you'd give yourself up for her, hmmmm?" She turns her head towards Zombie Robs (with her hands; she doesn't want to lose it over the castle wall).

Zombie Robs laughs. "She meant nothing, my love. Honestly, the woman's bonkers."

A loud "Heh heh heh" comes from La Grande at this, and Zombie Guy puts up his hand (with the other one). "I can vouch for that. Total nut."

Zombie Maz smiles. "Well, if my two favourite Zombie men say so, I can believe it." She reaches out to touch Zombie Robs cheek affectionately, and gives Zombie Guy a big, toothy (creepy to common folk) grin.

Zombie Archer eyes the pile of arms, legs, et cetera. "Anybody care if I just cart the whole lot off to my pirate ship?"

"Don't you want to separate them first?" Zombie Guy asks incredulously. Zombie Archer stares at him with a _"Why would I?"_ look, totally baffled.

"Um. Right," Zombie Much says uncomfortably. "Well, despite the 'sister' issue that was just brought up regarding half that pile, I think Allan was rather fancying the other half."

"Nah," Zombie Allan pipes up, putting out a hand (which promptly falls off). "I'm good. Remember? Trip wenches?" He glances in the direction of the inn. "Speaking of, I'll catch up with you later, hey, Robin?"

Zombie Robs grins. "Sure."

Frowning, Zombie Tuck says, "We should all stay together."

Zombie Robs breaks into a laugh. "Now, where would be the fun in that? For Allan, that is."

ZGKR stares at something off in the distance, focusing so hard that his eyebrows are now permanently furrowed. (Until Zombie Djaq pulls out the vial of Mysterious Liquid, anyway.) "Unless I'm mistaken," he says, pointing at the road in the distance, "that caravan is flying my mother's colors."

"Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine?" Zombie Maz exclaims. "But what is she doing in Nottingham?"

"John, you're good with mothers," The Head of Zombie Carter says, from where it's tucked under his elbow. "Why don't you go with His Majesty to greet the Queen Mum's caravan?"

Zombie LJ nods, and the two start off.

Zombie Robs explains the whole situation with the queen to Zombie Maz, and how she had been quite taken with Zombie LJ. He really is struggling to come up with any other reason why she would be back.

"Right," he says when he is finished. "Zombie Guy, Zombie Archer, time for a brotherly brainstorm. Anyone got any butcher's paper?" (More historical accuracy enters here, when Zombie Archer pulls out his magic markers.)

"What's our next move?"

Zombie Archer, of course, has to stop gathering up the Zombie Kate and Zizzy parts in order to pull out said markers, but seeing as how they're still trying to bite each other and have managed to get his fingers a few times, he's willing to wait until they tire a bit further. (Do zombies sleep??)

The brothers put their heads together, literally, so that they won't be overheard discussing a plan. This makes it difficult to write, since none of them can see what they're doing, but Zombie Carter offers some helpful hints as to how to accomplish things with one's hands whilst headless.

Some of these hints are applicable; some of them aren't so helpful NOW, persay, and aren't really all that appreciated by the zombie women within earshot, but are certainly intriguing enough to the zombie men within range that they file them away in their zombie brains for later...

Eventually, a plan has been drawn up.

[1] Please not to be taking this the wrong way, Zombie Guy fans! It's a reference to the Robin Hood ballad in which Guy makes his debut. And trust us, this version works out much better for Guy.


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER FOUR**

_The zombie gang has a plan._

**Disclaimer:** Sherwood's a fun place to play, but we have no claims to it or anyone living there. (Or anyone un-living there, most likely...)  
**Note:** Rufus has been so called with the kind permission of ladylovelace at LiveJournal; she first called him that in her drabbles,"Coeur de Lion" and "The Life and Times of Rufus the Lion", and the name just fit him perfectly!! :)

Popping his head back on, Zombie Robs holds up the butcher's paper, and everyone examines it.

"Huh," the Head of Zombie Carter says.

Zombie Much leans over to Zombie Djaq. "What does it say?" he whispers.

Zombie Djaq slowly shakes her head in bewilderment, nudging it back into place when it slips a little. "I have no idea."

"I thought you could read?"

"I can."

Zombie Much squints at the paper again. "Oh."

"Robin," Zombie Maz begins, with That Tone in her voice that suggests he's not going to like what she's about to say. "That's completely illegible."

Zombie Robs looks at the paper in his hands, as do his brothers (from where their heads are still resting). Then he and Zombie Guy look to Zombie Archer, who was the one with the marker. After the two reattach their own heads, Zombie Guy lets out a disgusted noise and rolls his eyes, managing to catch one of them when they fall out. (Zombie Eve hands him the other.) Zombie Archer takes the paper from Zombie Robs, turning it this way and that.

"Well, it's not _that_ bad," he remarks.

"Yes, it _is_!" Zombie Robs exclaims in frustration. "It's nothing but a bunch of scribbles!"

"Nah," Zombie Archer replies. "It's... erm, writing from the Orient!"

Everyone stares at him skeptically.

"Then, read it to us," Zombie Will says.

Zombie Archer gives him a rather frantic look, before quelling the telltale expression. "Right! It says... um..." And he suddenly spouts off a bunch of jibberish.

"What was that?" Zombie Eve asks.

"It's an obscure, Oriental dialect," Zombie Archer informs her.

"Which means WHAT, exactly?" Zombie Maz demands.

Zombie Archer peers at the paper again. "It's difficult to translate..."

Zombie Robs and Zombie Guy exchange exasperated glances. "Looks like we're back to square one," Zombie Guy mutters.

This time, the whole gang leans in to plan.

Meanwhile, Zombie LJ and ZGKR are just about to reach Queen Eleanor's caravan. They ride directly in the path of the caravan, so as not to startle her... forgetting, of course, that their appearance, alone, is rather startling these days. Queen Eleanor's horse rears up violently, and her mens' horses (in an amazing act of beasts following their riders' loyalty) all do the same. Thus, they all end up cracking their heads on the ground, dead. Thus, Zombie QE, and Zombie QE's men. ZGKR looks thrilled at this development, and tugs on Zombie LJ's sleeve, taking the whole arm with it before Zombie LJ reattaches it.

"With these guys, we have a mini army of dispensable Zombie cannon fodder for Robin to utilise..."

Zombie Much, awesome super fighting strategist that he is, helps team Zombie come up with something that involves slightly more real words. Zombie Archer sulks just a bit, but then thinks of the pile of Zombie limbs on the way to his pirate ship, and is happy.

"My, my," ZQE smiles, running a finger up Zombie LJ's sleeve. "It's good to see you, Big Bear. I hope being a zombie hasn't affected your quiet strength. Or... _other_ parts of you."

Bemused and uncomfortable as ever by her attentions, Zombie LJ merely looks skyward and prays for deliverance, jumping when she pinches his bum (taking a bit with her when she pulls her hand back).

Her eyebrows climb skyward, causing her hair to slide back slightly. (But she looks fab regardless, so it hardly matters.) "Well, I guess I'll just save this for later," she remarks, tucking it into her cloak pocket.

"Mother, what brings you to Nottingham?" ZGKR asks, giving her a hug and a peck on each cheek.

She returns the gesture, as well as his arm, which she's accidentally dislodged while greeting him. "Richard. I came to see if that odious man was still Sheriff, and to deal with him if he is."

ZGKR sighs. "He is, and the situation is worse than before..." And he fills her in as to what the situation is.

When he's finished, she nods, catching her head before it falls too far and setting it back in place. "Right." She pats Zombie LJ carefully on the shoulder. "Let's go, Big Bear."

He crouches so that she can climb over his shoulder, then discreetly pops her knees back into place before heading back toward the castle.

When they get there, they're filled in as to Zombie Much's plan, which everyone agrees is awesome.

Zombie Robs gets to one knee, along with the others, to greet ZQE. ZQE reminds him they are friends, "and do try to remember next time, Robin." Zombie La Grande laughs at this, "Heh heh heh."

Zombie LJ stealthily (as stealthily as he can be) tries to reach in and get his...bit of bum...but ZQE can feel it, and she just thinks he is going the grope, so she smiles at him in delight and slaps his hand. "Later, Big Bear."

Zombie GKR informs Zombie Robs that now that they have ZQE's men, their plan can be even more awesome.

"Yes," says Zombie Robs, once Zombie Guy and Zombie Allan had hauled him back to his feet (and reattached them). "Thanks for that, lads. Right, so. Much...the plan. Let's get it all sorted in detail."

Zombie Much, thrilled that Zombie Master, err, Zombie Robs, is giving him this moment in the sun (because he deserves it, as Zombie Robs knows, having season 1 flashbacks).

"Okay. So. Right. The plan. Well, I was thinking that what we need to do, is...well, it's quite simple really. And what we will do, is something quite simple..."

"Much..." Zombie Robs interrupts, because even though Zombie Much is a super strategist, he tends to ramble on a bit.

"Right, sorry Robin. So, we send out the Queen Mum, begging your pardom, ma'am, waving a white flag, so to speak...gently, so as to not dislodge your arm, remember" (a nod from ZQE) "and then she uses her...many charms on the Sheriff; don't get too jealous, John, it will just be an act" (he gives Zombie LJ a sly look, everyone laughs, and Zombie Guy loses his jaw, which Zombie Allan catches for him) "Okay, so whilst the sheriff is distracted, we unleash our secret weapon..."

Some dramatic music which isn't all that medieval or very 12th century starts to play...

"And what is our secret weapon?" ZGKR asks.

Zombie Much grins (as cute an expression as it was before, it's a little disturbing now). "You see, Your Majesty, that's the best part: we have two."

"Two secret weapons?" ZQE exclaims. "How interesting!" And she leans on Zombie LJ's arm as she listens, which sags a bit under the pressure, but holds. "That's my Big Bear," she murmurs silkily.

Zombie Much nods excitedly, with Zombie Eve hanging onto his hair beads to keep his head in place. "First, we'll start with a distraction. Something to make them _think_ we've used all of our resources."

Zombie Robs has been leaning on his bow, which suddenly goes through his arm. Calmly pulling it out, he says, "And this is where you come in, Carter."

Zombie Carter raises an eyebrow, along with the hand that's holding it. "Yeah, could you run that by me one more time?" He then places the brow back on his head, which is tucked under his arm.

"The trebuchet, right?" Zombie Will puts in.

"That's it!" agrees Zombie Much. "We launch Carter's head into the castle courtyard, where he'll spout all sorts of nonsense. And then, when everyone's good and worked up and the Sheriff thinks that's all we've got, we release the actual secret weapon!"

Zombie Allan shuffles back to the rest of the gang. "What'd I miss?"

"We were just about to find out what the _actual_ secret weapon is," Zombie Djaq informs him.

Everyone looks to Zombie Much, who is SO in his element right now.

"The lion," he says.

"The lion?" ZGKR repeats, dumbfounded.

"The lion," Zombie Robs confirms.

"What lion?" demands ZGKR.

Everyone looks to Zombie Guy, who gives them a zombie version of his "so sue me" look. "It's all worked out for the best, if we're going to use it to our advantage, hasn't it?"

"Robin," Zombie Marian says, leaning close to his ear, then sticking it back in place when her zombie breath makes it start to droop. "We should get started."

"Right. Lads, let's move out!" And they all get into position. As Zombie Carter places his head on the trebuchet, he looks a little worried for a moment. Zombie Robs slaps him on the back.

"Don't worry, Carter, we'll have it back for you soon. Just make sure you say some absolute nonsense."

"Right," says Zombie Carter, sitting his body down behind the wall to await the safe return of his head.

Meanwhile, Zombie Guy and Zombie Much have gone to get the lion. When they open the box to check on it, it immediately grabs hold of Guy's hand, and thrashes it about in its mouth for a while like a chew toy. Guy steps forward, giving the lion his best stern look.

"Bad Rufus! Bad! You drop that hand right this second." As the lion looks shamefaced and Guy reattaches his hand, Zombie Much looks at him somewhere between amused and shocked.

"You _named_ the lion?"

"Well, I could hardly call it 'lion' the whole time."

"Yes, you could."

"No, I couldn't."

"Yes, you could."

"Not bein' funny, but were you two planning on getting that lion ready? Robin is about to fire the head."

"We're ready," Zombie Guy says, shooting Rufus one last warning look.

Zombie Much is still looking back and forth between Zombie Guy and Rufus as if he's expecting something else to happen, but nothing really does, other than Rufus looking rather disgusted at the zombie aftertaste-- Guy isn't the same flavor he used to be, that's for sure.

Eying all three of them as if they've lost their marbles (entirely possible, given the frequency of head loss amongst the group), Zombie Allan nods. "Right. C'mon, then!" And they spring into action.

With that impish grin, Zombie Robs lets loose the trebuchet (thanks for supplying it, Zombie Archer! What a great brother!), and The Head of Zombie Carter goes shrieking over the castle wall. Literally, shrieking. I'd say shrieking his head off, but... well, seems a little redundant...

It lands, conveniently enough, right at the Sheriff's feet, as he jogs down the castle stairs and into the courtyard to see what all the commotion's about. The Head makes growling and barking sounds at everyone within range, and soon the townspeople and all but a few guards have fled.

Amongst the chaos, the Zombie Gang charges in, Zombie Guy holding Rufus on a lead. As they face the Sheriff across the gallows, Vaizey shoots Zombie Robs a "nice try" smile. Picking up The Head, he sets it atop his own. "Robin, does it go with my dress?"

Zombie Robs raises his bow, but just then, the I(&AFR)LJRU thugs swarm out of the castle behind Vaizey. The two sides face off.

Zombie Robs has to laugh, because Vaizey is nothing if not original.

"Right. Lads, let's show them how Zombies do it!"

"Robin!" Zombie Maz looks put out.

"I'm talking about fighting, Marian; what are _you_ thinking about?" Zombie Maz blushes and mumbles something no one can hear, before raising her sword.

"Are you going to give back The Head and come quietly, Vaizey?!" Zombie Robs yells across the courtyard.

"And lose my new favourite hat? A clue: no."

The Head of Zombie Carter was starting to look a bit worried from its position atop Vaizey's head. Zombie Robs can see this turning into some horrible repeated story line, just replacing Zombie Carter's brother with his head. Zombie Robs really can't be bothered with the fighting and the hugging again, so he assures Zombie Carter all will be well, even as he fires an arrow straight into the chest of one of the I(&AFR)LJRU henchman.

"Let that be a warning, Vaizey! You can't win against the undead!"

"Oh, but I think you'll find that I can," the Sheriff replies evenly, tossing The Head to a guard as he turns to look up at the castle entrance.


	5. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER FIVE**

_The zombie gang gains two questionable allies._

**Disclaimer:** If we said we owned anything, we'd likely be tossed into the Nottingham Dungeons. Which'd be all right, since Robs is there a lot... *ponders*

Out steps Zombie Davina, a zombie snake round her neck. Vaizey holds out his hand to her, which she takes when she's descended the stairs close enough.

She smirks at Zombie Robs, and if that was creepy before... well, we've covered that part of zombiehood. ;) "Hello, Pretty Boy," she sneers.

"What's happening?" the muffled voice of Zombie Carter calls, from where The Head is tucked under the guard's armpit.

"'What's happening?'" Zombie Davina mocks. "Well, my lovely, my zombie babies are about to eat your friends for dinner."

"Robin," Zombie Will murmurs. "We can't _really_ be eaten by zombie snakes, can we?"

A baffled look on his face, Robin shakes his head slowly, in part because it's what he'd do, anyway, and in part to keep it in place. "I have no idea," he mutters.

The Sheriff has somehow overheard all of this; apparently, zombie voices carry. He grins at them excitedly. "Let's find out, shall we?"

And a hoarde of zombie snakes come out of the castle, at the slithering equivalent of a shuffle, across the courtyard and toward the gang.

Zombie Robs shoots one in half with an arrow, but unfortunately, both halves just keep right on slither-shuffling towards them.

"Well," he says. "That's half my plan exhausted."

"What was the other half?" asks Zombie Guy.

"What other half? That was your job." Zombie Robs gives Zombie Guy a look that clearly says, "I have only ever come up with half of a plan, and it would be entirely stupid of you to assume otherwise"...yep, he said all that with a look.

"Not bein' funny, could you try that with a flamin' arrow, Robin?"

Zombie Robs, Zombie Guy, Zombie GKR, Zombie Maz, and...all the other Zombie Gang members look at Allan, hope on their faces. It might just work...

Zombie Robs nods. "All right, let's try that."

Zombie Djaq starts a fire with her magnifying glass, and Zombie Robs just happens to have an arrow that's lightable in his quiver. There's still some oil in between the cobblestones from the time he sparred with Allan-- ah, memories,-- and the zombie snakes are right overtop it now. Zombie Robs aims carefully and fires...

...which works great! With a WHOOSH, the zombie snakes are encased in flames!

And Zombie Robs's arms have fallen off with the effort of using the bow, but that's all right-- Zombie Maz helps him pop them back on. He'd have done it himself, but as Much pointed out a long time ago, he can't cut off one arm if he's already cut off the other (well, this is the same principle in reverse, anyway).

Zombie Davina is wailing about her zombie babies, and Vaizey's watching the action, blinking, unbelieving that his plan has failed yet again.

The thugs let loose a cry and swarm toward the zombie gang.

Amidst the chaos, another royal caravan arrives. Prince John peers out of his carriage window. "What on earth is going on?" he demands, to no one in particular. When he doesn't get a reply, he disembarks, right in the middle of it all. As he steps out of the carriage, Prince John realises he is being completely ignored. He exclaims with a pout, "Does nobody _love_ me?!"

His only reply is a stray arrow from one of the many leather-clad thugs, imbedding itself in his chest.

Needless to say, there is death, and then Zombifying of PJ. Oh hai Zombie PJ.

When he next speaks, his smile is extra big and extra creepy, and he knows it, too. "Oh, now you really will love me. Vaizey! What is going on here? I demand an explanation, in the name of my darling brother Richard!"

At this, ZGKR pops up from where he has just thrust his disconnected head through a leather-clad thug (the crown made a great pointy stabby weapon, for realz), pops his head back on and looks at ZPJ in surprise.

"Brother! What on earth have you been doing to England in my absence? Mother is not pleased."

Seeing that his brother _and_ mother are now on team virtuous and shiny and...sort of smelly, ZPJ sulks.

"Mother always did like Richard best."

ZPJ grabs his ear, and his other thumb creeps toward his mouth, when his ear suddenly comes off. "Not even my EAR loves me!" he wails, oblivious to the chaos around him.

"Oh, _do_ stop blubbering, John," ZQE exclaims, shuffling over to him and grabbing his ear from him, sticking it firmly back in place. "Of course I love you; you're my son. My ungrateful, deceitful son; but my son nonetheless."

"You never talk to Richard like that," ZPJ whines.

"Why would I? He's fighting the evil thugs instead of whinging on about his mummy."

Just then, an arrow lodges itself in ZQE's arm. With an exasperated huff, she pulls it out. ZGKR, having seen the culprit, yells, "This is for my mother!" as he dispatches the thug who shot her, by flinging his arm that's clutching a sword across the courtyard, buring it in the man's chest.

ZPJ shoots ZQE a "See? _See?_" look, and she gives him a half-apologetic smile.

"Still, he never did lock me in Pontefract tower," she points out.

From where he's retreated to the portico beside the top of the castle stairs, the Sheriff calls, "Up here, Your Majesty!"

Of the three people present who respond to that name, ZPJ is obviously the one for whom it's intended, and he shuffles fabulously up to where Vaizey's standing. "Do _you_ love me, Vaizey?" ZPJ queries.

Vaizey gives him an impatient, humorless grin. "Of course. Now, if you'd like to follow me this way," and he gestures to the corridor leading into the castle.

ZGKR and ZQE look at the retreating, cowardly form of ZPJ in disgust and annoyance.

"Mother, we could have been a family of acronyms, fighting together. I feel silly for having hoped he might have changed."

ZQE hugs ZGKR, unknowingly further proving ZPJ's point.

Zombie Robs and Zombie Maz are holding hands (well, each other's...they'd swapped) and are smiling at the scene, fondly.

Zombie Allan makes some mock choking noises at the blissful looks on their faces. "Not bein' funny, but you aren't thinking of starting a Zombie family, are you?"

Zombie Maz and Zombie Robs hastily switch hands back, and Zombie Robs thrusts his sword into the head of a passing leather-wearing thug, and Zombie Maz slams her elbow into another thug's nose, throwing him back onto the pavement, and then slamming her foot into his face. Then they look at each other and away, laughing uncomfortably.

Having heard Zombie Allan's tease, Zombie Djaq and Zombie Will exchange a Significant Glance (whilst fighting the leatherworking evil, of course; Zombie Djaq neatly slices the throat of one, and Zombie Will does some little spinny thing with his axe, embedding it in the chest of another)-- and a similar Significant Glance is exchanged between Zombie Much and Zombie Eve (between Zombie Much hacking three I(&AFR)LJRU's down in a quick swipe, and Zombie Eve kicking a fourth in the junk and then the face).

Zombie Allan takes out two simultaneously with some nifty, two-handed sword work, shaking his head at his friends-- and then catching it on the end of one sword when it falls off, flipping it back into place kind of like a hat. "I don't _believe_ it," he mutters good-humoredly.

Zombie Robs looks down at his stomach, where a thug punched him with a bit too much gusto, and now has his fist stuck in Zombie Robs's abdomen. He shoves the guy back (insert gross sucking noise here for the thug's arm pulling out of Zombie Robs's midsection) and lays him out with a solid punch to the jaw. "Are you trying to tell us there's going to be the shiffle-shuffle of little zombie feet in camp?" he grins at the couples.

"Robin," Zombie Guy speaks up. "When did you want me to set Rufus loose?"

Zombie Robs looks at him, eyebrows raised. "Now, would be a good time," he answers a little sarcastically, as his left eyebrow falls off, fluttering to the ground.

"**Robin**, your **eyebrow**," Zombie LJ (who's gonna fit right in with the Royal Acronym Zombie Family, or RAZF, for short) says impatiently, in between bashing one thug in the face with the end of his staff and driving four others, who were rushing him single-file, back with the opposite end.

Zombie Robs gets that "ohyeah" look and reaches down to pick it up just as another leatherworking thug comes at him. As he pops his eyebrow back in place, he tosses the baddie over his back as he stands.

--It might be noted here that, for all of the zombie decrepitude[1], they hold together exceptionally well whilst fighting. This is, of course, because they are the Heroes.--

Nodding at Zombie Robs, Zombie Guy goes to unleash Rufus. But first, before he does so, Zombie Guy decides now is the right time for man, er, Zombie and lion to have a heart to heart.

"Rufus, today is your big day. Your time to shine. Admittedly, last time, you let me down a bit. And yet, look where that has led us? And so, I am quite proud to call you friend."

Rufus answers with a lazy rawr-slash-yawn noise. Zombie Guy points at Rufus, narrowly avoiding another chew toy incident. "Rufus, it is time. Attack with all you have. Remember, you want living flesh this time...avoid the zombies."

If Rufus knew what the hell Zombie Guy was on about, I'm sure he'd have nodded. As soon as he is freed, he goes running in the direction of the appetising smell of blood. Lucky for the Zombies, this means the enemy is in trouble. Fortunately, with the fresh... new... erm, most recent Guy flavor still in his mind, Rufus has no trouble at all skipping the Zombie Gang and going for the yummy-smelling thugs. He's a bit wary of nibbling on humans now, but figures he'll give these ones a go, since they seem fresher than Guy. After the first couple of chomps, he realizes that these humans are still good, and goes to town.

The Sheriff, seeing that the lion shows no signs of filling up on leatherworkers, grabs ZPJ's arm and runs into the castle, barricading them in the great hall.

Well... barricading himself and ZPJ's arm in the great hall.

Doing one of his jumping-up-and-down-in-frustration jigs, Vaizey unbarricades the door, marches back out, and finds ZPJ --with Zizzy wrapped around him in a twisted, evil zombie snog. Turns out she pieced herself back together en route to Archer's ship and shambled back to Nottingham. (Zombie Kate, however, tried to piece herself back together, but got tangled in her braid. So she's still bound for Hull.)

Barely suppressing a shudder, Vaizey gets right up in their faces, being potentially the only living human who can withstand two sets of zombie breath in such close quarters, and growls, "Unless you wish to be torn apart by either a lion or zombie outlaws, I suggest you FOLLOW ME!"

ZPJ gives him a fabulous zombie smirk. "I suggest you don't speak to us like that, or I'll have you tied to a post and set ablaze."

"After I've had your stomach torn open and your entrails draped around your neck like ribbons," Zizzy adds.

"Oooh, you adorable girl!" ZPJ cries. "How brilliant are you?"

"_Quite_ brilliant, Zombie King John," she laughs.

Tossing his hands in the air (and letting ZPJ's arm fly as he does), Vaizey marches back into the great hall and barricades the door once again. Then he makes his way to the tunnel entrance.

ZPJ and Zizzy stare in the direction of where Vaizey has gone, thinking that his lack of love for them (well, ZPJ's having the love thoughts) was just weird.

Zizzy turns to ZPJ. "Shall we side with the good guys? Throw the story line into complete turmoil?"

ZPJ looks at her for a moment, then asks the most important question to allow that decision to occur. "First, I must know, Isabella. _Will they love me?_"

"Everyone except Robin, sire. He loves himself too much. But do not worry; I am a woman scorned and have... _plans_ for him."

ZPJ laughs in wicked delight. "So, we play in the side of good's sandbox for awhile, and then...a fire?" ZPJ has a hopeful look.

Zizzy ponders for a moment. "I'm sure we can arrange that. But Robin is _mine_. He chose his undead wife over me. I will have my revenge. Oh yes."

Oh, and if you thought Zizzy's boogedy eyes were creepy before, you should see them now.

ZPJ whips a handkerchief out of his pocket and waves it at the zombie gang. "Mother, Brother, stinking unwashed outlaws! Would you mind terribly if we were to join with you?"

Zizzy turns to Zombie Guy. "Brother, I'm sorry for poisoning you and trying to have you killed and... well, all of it. You don't even have to apologize for my marriage, if you'll let King--erm, Prince John and me come along to the forest."

"Don't trust her!" a shrieky voice carries from somewhere between Sherwood and Hull. Everyone looks around in a "wtf?" manner, then turns back to the matter at hand. That being Rufus licking his lips, having devoured every last leatherworking thug in the courtyard, and the evil and yet incredibly compelling zombies asking for asylum.

"Master, I don't think this is such a good idea," Zombie Much says.

"We just threatened the Sheriff!" Zizzy offers. "See? We're on your side!"

"Robin, I do NOT want that woman in the camp," Zombie Maz hisses between her incredibly prominent teeth.

Zombies Allan, Maz, Djaq, Will, LJ, Eve, QE, GKR, Le Grande, and even The Head of Zombie Carter are all murmuring things to the effect of, "No," "Don't do it," "This is a bad plan," and "Could somebody please locate my body for me, kthx."

Even Zombie Guy tilts his head to the side, remembering to prop it with his hand so as not to lose it. "I'm not sure this is wise," he says.

Zombie Archer gives Zizzy the once-over once again. "She _is_ a smokin' hot babe, and I do like me the smokin' hot babes."

"She's your SISTER!!!" everyone shouts in unison.

"Yeah, according to YOU lot." He rolls his eyes, catching them and doing a little juggling act before popping them back in.

Zombie Robs crosses his arms and looks at them sternly. "You'll have to earn your tags," he declares.

"Oh, yes, of course, that's fine," the Evil Zombie Duo agree in unison.

Grinning, Zombie Robs gestures for them to follow. "Well, c'mon then, what're we waiting for?" And they all set out for camp...

[1] It might also be noted that I tried to say "decrepitness" there, which was indicated as being wrong, and "decrepitude" suggested instead. Seeing as how I've not before had the need to know the noun form of "decrepit," I'm going to go with the suggestion.


	6. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER SIX  
**

_The zombie gang works out a plan, with great help from Zombie Much._

**Disclaimer:** We doubt the BBC or TA are interested in Zombie Much's army, but they do have a vested interest in the rest of it, being that they've got the rights, and all.

Seeing that all the leatherworking thugs have been dispatched (go Rufus, go! -- he got some scooby snacks from Guy for that one), they are quite happy to save an adventure involving Vaizey for another day.

As they walk towards camp, Zizzy keeps getting hit in the head from behind by pebbles, twigs, and the occasional large rock. Every time she turns to look behind her (just her head does the turning), she sees Zombie Maz smiling innocently, giggling and kissing Zombie Robs on the cheek and generally, in her own awesome way, staking her claim on her husband.

Turning to ZPJ, Zizzy asks desperately, in a whisper, "When can I get that stupid woman out of the way? I want Robin for myself. For pleasure and torture and all sorts of other shiny goodness."

ZPJ looks mildly disturbed, which is saying something coming from him, and then calms her. "We must bide our time, my adorable girl. We shall buuuurn them-- um, make our move, after we have found the camp."

And so the motley outlaw crew proceed. They're still a ways off from camp, when Zombie Robs has a moment of sense. "We're going to have to blindfold you here; after we're sure you can be trusted, we'll show you the way."

"Hey, Robin? I've got a better idea, a clever one," Zombie Allan pipes up. He whispers in Zombie Robs's ear, keeping it from sliding out of place from zombie breath exposure.

Zombie Robs nods. "Right. Sire, Isabella, I'll need you to hand me your eyeballs."

"You can't be serious," Zizzy says.

Opening a pouch that'd been tied to his belt, Zombie Robs nods with a grin. "Oh, I am."

Zombie Maz shuffles up behind Zizzy. "Here, let me help you with that," she says, smacking Zizzy on the back of the head. It's effective, in that it gets her eyeballs rolling across the forest floor. It also gets her head rolling along behind them. "Oops! Terribly sorry about that," Zombie Maz apologizes between giggles, pulling a mock-serious face when ZPJ turns to her.

ZGKR holds his hand out to ZPJ whilst Zombie Robs pops Zizzy's eyes in the pouch. "Oh, very well," the zombie prince sighs melodramatically, popping his out and plopping them in his brother's hand.

The formalities out of the way, the group continues to shuffle toward camp.

Taking the temporarily-blinded Zizzy by the arm, Zombie Maz gently guides her forward. "I'll help you find the way."

Of course, this involves 'accidentally' leading Zizzy to trip over every rock, stick or tree root that was in the path. Zombie Allan and Zombie Much are having a great time laughing at Zombie Maz's hilarious antics.

ZPJ is being led by ZGKR, who says, "I am doing this for Mother," which gets a pout from ZPJ. He would try sucking his thumb, but without his eyes, he's afraid he might miss. And he wouldn't want the zombie gang to laugh at him, should he stick his thumb in his eye socket; they might not love him then.

As they get to camp, they drop their weapons and things (including the occasional arm, by mistake) and collapse onto their bunks in relief. Zizzy and ZPJ take their eyes back from Zombie Robs and look about in fascination. So that's how the Zombie outlaws have kept their location so well hidden...

Zizzy is really rather disappointed, because she'd had plans to peek under her blindfold this time. And her disappointment is doubled when she realizes that he shares his bunk with Zombie Maz now. Rather than giving into her rage immediately, she decides to try one of her crafty tricks.

Taking Zombie Maz aside, she says, "Look, now that we're on the same side, I just want you to know that Robin only told me he loved me a couple dozen times. Not enough to make me think he'd forgotten you, at all. So, let's just be friends, shall we?"

Zombie Maz blinks at her, then eyes Zombie Robs (just figuratively, for once). "Yes," she drawls. "Let's be friends."

Zizzy, satisfied for now, rejoins ZPJ where he's being given the Grand Tour.

"And over here's the kitchen, and there's the toilet, and I'm sure Will can add some bunks onto the back," Zombie Much is saying.

ZPJ looks around, confused. "Yes, yes, it's a lovely garden, but where's your _house?_"

Meanwhile, Zombie Maz is far too clever to fall for Zizzy's tricks, and starts making her own plans. She approaches Zombie Guy. She knows, bless him, that Zombie Robs won't see Zizzy's wickedness so easily as Zombie Guy.

"Guy, I worry about your sister. She's telling fibs about Robin pretending he loves her and other such nonsense. We all know he's totally head over heels for me."

Guy nods seriously, agreeing. "Of course, Marian."

"Well, I am sure she is up to something. We must make plans. Whilst they are all distracted explaining this lack of house issue to Prince John, we must move. I think I have a solution. We shall send Lardner with a note signed by Archer" --Zombie Archer, hearing his name, strut-shuffles over proudly; Zombie Maz does not look amused, rather more resigned-- "Yes, yes, Archer; we speak of your fabulous self. Honestly, anyone could tell you and Robin are related. So. We send a letter to your pirate ship, and get Kate back. Those two are as mad as each other. Hello? Did you see that stupid braid? That look was so 1190. She will return, thinking that Isabella has an evil plot to run away with Robin. Meanwhile, we set up a large net so that when the inevitable cat fight begins, they get pulled into the air. Then we can point and laugh. What do you think?"

They set Zombie Maz's awesomely clever plan into action (she is SO much more clever than Zizzy will ever be). Of course, it takes a few days for Zombie Kate to shuffle her braided way back to camp, so in the meantime everyone has their hands full trying to teach ZPJ the ins and outs of life in the forest (Zombie LJ thinks he'd actually be a decent fisherman if he didn't keep asking each catch if they love him), talk Zombie Much out of building an army of zombie squirrels, and pry Zombie Archer off of Zizzy.

And then... Zombie Kate shambles into camp.

With an inhuman shriek, she launches herself at Zizzy upon first sight. Zizzy suffers an unfortunate "wtf" moment, which buys Zombie Kate time to pull Zizzy's right arm off. Fortunately, her boogedy eyes give her a psych-out advantage, even amongst other zombies, and the playing field is soon levelled.

Nobody thinks to set off the net trap at first, since everyone's totally engrossed. Some more than others. (STOP IT ZOMBIE ARCHER, SHE'S YOUR _SISTER!_) But eventually, ZQE pulls the lever, and up they go...

Zizzy and Zombie Kate, in the net, are still clawing and slapping at each other.

Zombie Robs, in an adorable moment of showing his adoration for his oh-so-clever Zombie wife, hugs her, saying, "Oh, Marian, thank you. They were so tiresome. Especially Kate. Just listen to that shriek!"

Meanwhile, Zombie Archer has moved beneath the net, trying to get a good view of Zizzy. Disgusted, Zombie Guy finally walks over and grabs his arm, then the rest of him, dragging him away.

"That's enough, Archer. She's my sister! She's _your_ sister."

"Yes, but how do I _know_ that?"

"ARCHER!" everyone yells. "SHUT UP!"

Zombie Much looks up from his stealth Zombie squirrel plans at this, delighted. For once, it wasn't being said to him.

"So, this is what you do all day?" Zombie Archer asks, in an attempt to remove the focus from his incredibly naughty behavior.

"_No_, we do _not_," Zombie LJ grumbles. "Robin, we _should_ be feeding villagers!"

Zombie Tuck agrees. "How else will the Legend of Robin Hood live on?"

Zombie Robs gives Zombie Tuck a Look. "Perhaps my undead status will help with that," he says a bit sarcastically.

From above all of their heads, a couple of fingers and an eyeball come tumbling down, landing by their feet. Zombie Archer uses his Amazing Sleight of Hand skill to swipe them, which probably would have been more effective had he not cried, "Yoink!" when he did so.

Zombie Guy throws his arms up in disgust, then has to ask Zombie Allan for help reattaching them.

"Not bein' funny," Zombie Allan begins, "but there's gotta be a way of keeping this from happening all the time."

"We held together pretty well when we were fighting," Zombie Djaq points out.

Kate's left arm falls through the net. "That doesn't seem to be working so well for the... erm, 'ladies' above us," ZGKR remarks, using the term loosely as creative epithets reach their ears.

Rufus sniffs the limb, then decides it's not worth the aftertaste, and pads back to a sunny spot right outside the camp door, where he lays down for a rest.

Zombie Will gives Zombie Djaq a hug and kisses the top of her head, removing the hair that got stuck in his mouth and patting it back into place. "Right, but they're not the heroes," he says.

"OI!" Zombie Kate shrieks.

Zombie Maz scowls at the net. "Shut it!"

"So, we need someone evil to fight," the Head of Zombie Carter sums up.

"_Robin_, what about the _villagers?_" Zombie LJ asks.

ZQE runs her hands up his back and over his shoulders. "The rest of you, go find someone to fight. Big Bear and I will help the villagers."

"HEH, HEH, HEH," Zombie La Grande guffaws.

"Surely, you don't expect ME to fight," ZPJ declares grandly.

Just then, one of Zizzy's boogedy eyes pegs him in the forehead.

Zombie Robs grins at him. "No, sire, you don't HAVE to come with us. You could stay here, instead."

Shooting daggers at the catfight in the trees, ZPJ relents. "No, no, never mind. Someone give me a sword?" He holds out his hand imperiously.

Zombie Guy can't resist the temptation. "Here you are, sire." He uses more force than necessary to hand ZPJ the weapon, dislodging the royal hand in the process.

ZPJ whinges, "Gisborne, do you not love me at all??"

Rolling his eyes, then sliding them back into place, Zombie Guy mutters, "Of course I do, sire."

Everyone turns to exit camp, and suddenly halts, frozen.

"Much?" Zombie Robs begins carefully. "What's all this?"

Zombie Much beams proudly. "I've built an army!"

Zombie Eve had been entertained by the catfight and then interested in the plans to go fight, so hadn't been paying attention to what Zombie Much was doing. "Darling, they're squirrels."

He gives her an injured look. "I know that."

"How are squirrels going to fight?" Zombie Allan asks with a hint of sarcasm.

"Obviously, you've never gone up against a squirrel," answers Zombie Much haughtily.

Struck with fascination against his will, Zombie Robs looks over the hoarde. "How many are there?"

Zombie Much falters. "Well, I couldn't say, really, not being able to count and all. But I expect there must be dozens, at least."

"Dozens?" Zombie Maz repeats in disbelief. "No, Much. There must be thousands here! How on earth did you accomplish this so quickly?"

He glows. Years of practice squirrel-hunting has finally paid off.

"Well, lads, I do believe I have a plan," Zombie Robs declares. "And here it is..."

All the Zombies go to sit down, because Zombie Robs has been known to take a while at this, especially since becoming a Zombie.

"Do I _have_ to sit on the ground?" whines ZPJ.

"You're dead, brother. A few leaves should hardly bother you."

"Oh, very well." ZPJ takes off his jacket, removing the arm which got caught in his sleeve and looking helplessly at it.

"Oh, for heaven's sake!" says Zombie Robs, walking over and shoving the arm in place. "May I continue uninterrupted, now?"

ZPJ looks both grouchy and chastised. Then, he smiles. "Just so long as you love me."

Zombie Robs looks at him for a moment. Then to Zombie Maz for guidance, who gives him a Look (another of those ones that says an insane number of words; she and Zombie Robs are good at them) which seems to say, "If you tell him you love him, we can get on with it."

Zombie Robs looks at ZPJ uncomfortably. "Very well. I...yes. I love you." Shuddering, he continues.

"Now, the plan. It just so happens to be our luck that Zombie Squirrels are fond of bird brains....well, okay, I'm sure they should be. So, we can use Much's Zombie squirrels to kill Vaizey's birds. Good thinking on the squirrels, Much."

Zombie Much beams.

ZGKR looks confused. "Won't that make him mad?"

"Of course," Zombie Robs laughs. "But then, he will do something stupid."

Zombie Guy rolls his eyes. "Good plan, Robin."

"Well, I didn't say it was a whole plan, did I?" He pouts, so Zombie Maz kisses him, and the others all wince.

(It should be noted that Zombie kisses are really very kind of disgusting.)

With Zombie Much leading the way, Zombie Eve at his side and the army of zombie squirrels immediately behind him, the whole motley crew shuffles toward Nottingham. (Everyone, that is, except the pieces of Zombie Kate and Zizzy that haven't fallen or been thrown out of the net, where the squabble continues. And ZQE and Zombie LJ, who are supposed to be passing out food to the villagers, but it remains to be seen if ZQE allows this to happen...)


	7. Chapter 7

**CHAPTER SEVEN  
**

_The zombie gang infiltrates Nottingham Castle._

**Disclaimer:** We're really, seriously wondering how we're getting lucky enough to have Zombie Robs as our personal bodyguard. But perhaps we shouldn't say anything... *eye legal-types nervously*

When they reach the edge of Sherwood, Zombie Robs gives Zombie Much the thumbs-up (then takes it back and pops it back into place) and Zombie Much chitters at the squirrels. This would be strange enough under normal circumstances, but is just freaking BIZARRE from a zombie.

And yet-- it works! The zombie squirrel army sets off in neat formation toward the town gate, somehow not attracting any attention amongst the sheriff's guards. When they get nearer, they wheel to the south and go around the outer wall, scaling it at its nearest point to the castle.

The zombie gang, crouched amongst the trees, waits with bated breath to see what will happen. Or, they would, if they breathed. Similarly, crouching is an unsurprisingly bad choice for a zombie, much less several zombies, and they're so occupied with popping hips, knees, ankles and feet back into place that they don't notice the return of the tiny zombie soldiers, until the commanding zombie squirrel officer gets up on his hind legs and salutes Zombie Much.

Startled, Zombie Much returns the gesture, then listens intently as the five-star zombie squirrel general squeaks away at him.

"You're joking!" he exclaims in English, then apologetically translates into squirrel.

Bemused, Zombie Robs asks, "What's going on?"

Turning to him with an expression of astonishment that's going to be difficult to remove from his zombie face, Zombie Much replies, "They've zombified the Sheriff's birds. We have spies on the inside!"

Zombie Robs grins. "I thought they might do that, but I wasn't sure. Now, we wait..."

Zombie Allan rolls his eyes, catching them at the last second and popping them back in. "Not being funny, Robin, but you say that all the time. Do you ever actually know what is going on?"

Zombie Robs looks offended. "Of course, Allan. I mean, I knew you were betraying me, did I not?"

Zombie Allan winces. No hard feelings, though; that's not how Zombies roll. "Touche."

Zombie Robs addresses Zombie Much, so he can translate to the five-star zombie squirrel general. "Ask him...um, her?--the squirrel, if our good friends, the birds, might find a way to open the gates for us."

Zombie Allan again puts in his two cents, uh, thrupence. "They're _birds,_ Robin. They haven't got hands, have they?"

Sighing, Robin pinches the bridge of his nose. The whole thing comes off in his hand, so he shoves it back in place, allowing Zombie Maz a moment to straighten it, looking concerned.

"Don't worry, darling, you're perfect."

(Some suspect retching noises come from Zombie Guy's direction, to which Zombie Meg takes offense.)

"Very well, Allan. What do you suggest?"

"Well, all right, birds have beaks, yeah? Tiny little daggers right there on their faces. Couldn't they zombify some of the guards for us?"

Zombie Robs moves to slap Zombie Allan on the back, then thinks better of it. "Allan, you're a genius!"

"Not bein' funny, but I could've told you that."

Zombie Much squeaks at the five-star zombie squirrel general, who requests that he be called "Aloysius," since that's his name, and Zombie Squirrel General Aloysius (perhaps better referred to as ZS Gen. Al) agrees that this is a superb plan, and sends a messenger off to convey the orders to the zombie bird squadron.

Before the gang knows it, word is buzzing throughout Nottingham about the Sheriff's birds attacking the guards. Of course, the Sheriff isn't doing much to stop it, since given the choice between his birds and the (highly dispensable) guards, guess which he chooses?

_--hint: it ain't the guards--_

So, not only are several of his guards now zombies, most of the rest haven't stuck around to be the next ones craving grey matter. This has the doubled effect of reducing the guards' numbers and morale; even zombie guards don't feel too great about their buddies abandoning them.

When the last remaining guard is a zombie, the gang decides to make their move. They go in through the tunnel that leads to the Great Hall, but they've only gone so far when Zombie Archer suddenly yells, "WAIT!"

They are, of course, only moving at a shamble, but it's still faster than his memory at the moment, and ZGKR has already triggered a pressure plate.

In an extremely lucky coincidence, ZS Gen. Al was not caught as the trap doors came sliding down. Not so luckily, he didn't really know much about the rope he had to pull. However, you don't become a five-star zombie squirrel general by being good-looking, and he is one clever zombie squirrel.

Getting a running start, he leaps for the rope and grabs it in his teeth, pulling himself up, and then uses his tiny squirrel arms to somehow pull the rope down. (I know, I know; but this is a Robin Hood story, is it not?)

This had all taken quite some time, but luckily zombies don't need to breathe, so were all calmly waiting under the mountain of lime, waiting for ZS Gen. Al to do his thing. Much had assured them he was the best, after all. It has slowed them down, however-- which is bad when you're only moving at a shuffle to begin with,-- and by the time they get to the great hall, Vaizey has blocked off the tunnel door.

Zombie Robs is just becoming frustrated when Zombie La Grande cracks his knuckles, reattaches them, and then takes a running-shuffling start and bashes into the door.

After the gang has reassembled him, they all give the door one last push, and it and whatever was behind it give way.

As it turned out, a pile of guards who hadn't quite successfully taken to zombiehood had been what was behind the door, stacked at the Sheriff's orders by the ones who were full of zombie goodness. Badness. Zombieness? Yes, zombie zombieness. But don't feel sorry for them! They may not be complete zombies, but they're able to play tic-tac-toe, so they're keeping themselves occupied whilst laying around. They're quite happy with their lot, since before, they were in constant fear of getting killed by the outlaws, or getting beaten by the Sheriff, or getting hollered at by their wives for not getting paid again. This is far preferable, and they wave cheerfully as our zombie gang shuffles past.

Thinking they're safe for now, Vaizey and Zizzy are enjoying a dinner of brains (chicken brains for Vaizey, human brains for Zizzy) and bottle of burgundy. Regardless, only she jumps when three arrows bury into the table around the serving dishes. The Sheriff, meanwhile, calmly sips his wine.

"Took you long enough, Hood. Here, I was starting to think that you lost your touch when you became" --he gestures vaguely with his dinner knife-- "well, that."

Zombie Robs is reattaching his arm as he answers. Firing an arrow is perfectly simple for him, still, but sometimes the pressure is enough to detach his arm. "Lost my touch?" he laughs. "Vaizey, that will never happen." He winks, then gives Zizzy a wave. "Doing well, are we?"

Zombie Much, who has moved closer to the table at the tantalising smells, stares at Zizzy's plate in wonder. "Is that brains?" He takes another step forward, but Zombie Robs stops him.

"Later, Much. For now, the sheriff and I are going to have a little chat. Aren't we, Vaizey?" He's drawn his bow again, and the sheriff rolls his eyes - he seems to be rubbing in the fact that he can do it without them falling out.

"Oh, very well, Hood." The other outlaw zombies move, guarding both Zizzy and Vaizey closely as Robin sits in the chair adjacent to Vaizey's and pours himself a glass of wine. Taking a sip, he reaches out and snatches some of the brains off the sheriff's plate, popping them into his mouth.

"Chicken brains? Vaizey, I thought you had better taste than that." He looks at Vaizey thoughtfully, sipping more wine. It isn't exactly enjoyed, but the act is fun. "Let's discuss what we might do next." He grins at the Sheriff cheekily. "Now, the way I see it, we have two options."

"Only two?" Vaizey asks in a bored tone.

Ignoring him, Zombie Robs continues, "One: we continue as we have been, which, while entertaining, is sure to get old after a few hundred years. So that brings me to number two: join with us to bring down the leatherworkers once and for all."

Vaizey pretends to consider this for a few seconds, then says, "You're ignoring option three."

"Wait a minute," Zombie Allan interrupts. "I'm not bein' funny, but didn't we leave her in a net back at camp?" He gestures to Zizzy.

There's a frozen, Oh-yeah-WTF?? moment amongst the zombie gang. "Yeah, we did," Zombie Much says suspiciously.

"Oh, PLEASE," Zizzy sighs. "It wasn't exactly difficult to escape; that blonde's a one-woman catfight unto herself."

A mumble passes around the room as everyone agrees. Then, Zombie Robs gets back to the matter at hand. "What was this 'option three,' then?"

Vaizey looks at Robin as if he is stupid. "It's quite clear, Hood. Option three is all about you not turning me into a Zombie. For you see...

In response, Zombie Guy (who had been skulking around behind the sheriff's chair) gets the revenge he deserves, says "bored now" in a mocking tone, and stabs Vaizey in a rather nasty and fatal sort of way.

"Guy!" Zombie Robs's tone is annoyed and impatient.

"What?"

"He was about to tell me option three!"

Zombie Guy looks at Zombie Robs in exasperation. "If you'd just be patient and willing to wait five -"

"Am I at all pleased with this turn of events? A clue: NO."

Zombie Guy and Zombie Robs look at Zombie Vaizey (Zomzey for short) and give him their most amused, sinister, and decidedly creepy grins.

"Welcome back, Sheriff. Good to have you on board."


	8. Chapter 8

**CHAPTER EIGHT**

_The zombie gang is sentenced to death! (Oh NOES!)_

**Disclaimer:** Not arf. Also, not ours, at least as far as right and profits go.

"Oh really." Zomzey is pouting now. This was not at all how he had wanted things to happen.

But Zomzey is hardly one to let a sudden attack of zombieitis keep him from his goals. He grins at ZGKR.

"Well, now that we're all on the same relative side, no hard feelings amongst anyone, are there?"

ZGKR stares at him a moment. Then he says, "Carter, Robin, dispatch him."

They look to their king, confused.

"How does one dispatch a zombie?" the Head of Zombie Carter hisses to Zombie Robs, from its location on Zombie Carter's neck.

"Fire worked okay on the snakes," Zombie Allan says helpfully.

Zombie Robs is surprisingly averse to setting fire to Zomzey. End of an era and all that.

"We could do that," he says hesitatingly. "Or, we could..."

"Or we could what, Robin?" Zombie Allan interrupts. "Don't tell me you've gone soft on the sheriff, eh? He deserves it. Just set fire to 'im and be done wif it."

Zombie Robs frowns. "Where would be the fun in that? Whom then could I terrorise?"

Zizzy puts up her hand, with a wink at Zombie Robs. Zombie Maz holds her sword to Zizzy's throat. She does not appreciate evil Zombie wenches winking at her man. Zizzy shushes.

Zomzey speaks up. "Might I suggest a course of action?"

Zombie Robs sighs. "Very well. Go on, then."

Zomzey fiddles with his leather tooth before continuing.

"Careful--" Zombie Much begins, going to point out that all of his teeth are now removable, but silenced by a raised eyebrow from the Sheriff.

"Now. We could go on as we are, our little back and forthing, or-- we could work together."

Zombie Robs eyes him. "Toward what end?"

Zomzey rolls his eyes toward ZGKR and then ZPJ, and finally back to Zombie Robs. "Why, national unity, of course."

(it should be noted that all of this eye movement is rather grotesque and exaggerated in its zombieness)

Throughout this all, ZGKR is listening carefully, info-gathering. Meanwhile, ZPJ is trying desperately to appear as though he doesn't want to set his brother on fire, although that's pretty much all he can think about at the moment.

Zombie Allan chuckles then. "Hold on a minute. _You_ want national unity? What's the catch?"

Zomzey gives him a look as close to respect as he's able to give anyone. "The catch? There's no catch."

As evenly as he says that, nobody's buying it.

Finally, he gives a small huff, although he doesn't appear truly concerned. "Very well. I would serve as Chief Advisor to the Crown."

Zombie Robs bursts out laughing. "Oh, now _there's_ a thought."

Zombie Much isn't so sanguine. "That... that just can't happen! If he had that much power... why, he'd rule the country! He'd rule the world!"

"I hate the Sheriff," Zombie Will mutters darkly.

"We know," Zombie Djaq sighs.

ZGKR finally speaks. "And what would make you think I'd name you advisor?"

Zomzey focuses his attention on Zombie Robs. "Yes, it is a thought, is it not? Just imagine how far this country would go, bowing to my great wisdom!"

Zombie Robs rolls his eyes. Zombie Archer uses his super fast ninja skillz to catch them before they hit the floor, earning a nod from Zombie Robs as he passes them back.

Zomzey has been watching these proceedings with a detached air, placing black ink on his toenails (it's a lot easier now, seeing as he can detach them first).

"Bored now." He turns his attention to ZGKR. "The more important question, oh magnificent king, is why _wouldn't_ you name me advisor? I will stop _him_ from setting you on fire, for one."

He has drawn attention to ZPJ, who is holding a candle to the base of ZGKR's cloak, attempting to set it alight.

He smiles up at ZGKR innocently. "Gisborne convinced me to do it! Gisborne is wicked. Gisborne, you're fired!"

(Apparently, ZPJ's repertoire is rather limited to fire, questioning people's love for him, and firing people.)

Zombie Guy sighs in that put-upon way of his and rolls his eyes, but carefully, so as to keep them in place.

ZGKR looks at ZPJ, looks at Zombie Guy, and then at Zomzey. "Gisborne, you're hereby sentenced to death by fire, tomorrow at noon. Sheriff, for your outstanding service to your king, I hereby name you Chief Advisor to the Crown."

"_**WHAT?!?**_" everyone else cries in unison.

ZGKR looks at the rest of them suspiciously. "Actually, the whole lot of you was probably in on it, since you're in league with Gisborne. GUARDS! Take these ruffians away at once, and get a bunch of stakes set up. They all burn in the morning."

As zombie Nottingham guards surround the gang, Zombie Robs stares at ZGKR in bewilderment, his jaw perilously close to falling off, it's hanging open so wide. "But, sire! I served you faithfully, I gave up everything for you and England!"

ZGKR is staring off into the middle distance, absently scratching his butt, and suddenly lets out a loud burp. This startles him, and he jumps, remembering that Zombie Robs has just made a sensible plea to him. He replies, "True. But clearly, you're consorting with the enemy now and must be stopped. Sheriff-- beg pardon; _Advisor,_ can these guards not move any quicker?"

Zomzey, smirking at everyone and everything around him, says, "If they don't want to join in the mass burning, they will."

The guards shuffle a mite quicker, leading the gang away at torchpoint.

Zombie Robs is still gobsmacked. Zombie Maz leans over toward him and whispers, "Really, Robin, I can't believe you're this surprised. After everything else? What on earth would lead you to believe he could be trusted?"

"But... I fought for him..." Zombie Robs mutters in shock, as the gang is shuffled away toward the dungeons.

Meanwhile, back in Sherwood and thereabouts, Zombie LJ and ZQE are SUPPOSED to be delivering food and money to the poor.

As soon as the food drops have been made (it took a while, understandably), ZQE's real goals for their adventure became evident.

For hours now, ZLJ has been shuffling through the forest, away from ZQE who is shuffling slowly after him, arms outstretched. She has several parts of him tucked away in her cloak for safe keeping, grabbed when she had caught up a few times.

"This, I do _not_ like," ZLJ grumbles, and ZQE laughs delightedly.

"Now, now, Big Bear. We're having fun."

Once they finally make it back to camp, they realise the rest of the Zombie gang aren't back yet. ZLJ's spidey senses start tingling, and he decides they will have to go to the castle and investigate.

Hopefully, it will be in the nick of time.

"We go to Nottingham," ZLJ informs ZQE, who has caught up with him whilst he was distracted by his spidey senses and is nibbling on his ear. However, she got so caught up in the nibbling that she didn't notice that it came off, and that ZLJ has moved to the opposite side of the camp in order to work out a plan of infiltration.

She glances up from where she's sitting, only half-surprised to see that he's no longer attached to the ear. "Now, why would we do that? By now, I'm sure that your odious Sheriff has convinced my darling son to support him, so that's the last place we should go."

"Well, of _course_ he's convinced Prince John to support him."

She laughs. "Oh, John's the least of our concerns at the moment. I meant Richard, my darling, well-intentioned, idiot son."

"Why would the king side with the Sheriff?" ZLJ asks.

"He's so trusting," ZQE sighs fondly, gnawing on the ear in earnest now between sentences. "It was always his worst downfall."

ZLJ stares at her. "But that means that Robin and the gang are in trouble. We GO to NOTTINGHAM."

ZQE nods. "Very well. But only if you give me a piggyback ride."

ZLJ rolls his eyes, which she starts to tuck into her cloak pockets, but reluctantly returns when he says, "Unless you want us to fall off a cliff or walk into a tree, I need those."

"Very well, Big Bear," she grins, pinching another bit of his bum as she passes them back.

Meanwhile, back at the castle....(I've always wanted to say that)

Zombie Robs and Co. are about to be strung up to be burnt to a firey Zombie crisp. The others are all protesting, but Zombie Robs will not hear any of it.

"We are being killed, um...cooked, for England, lads."

"Not bein' funny, but I don't much fancy the smell of smoked Zombie."

There is a long, drawn-out silence as everyone considers what is about to happen.

The lads (and lasses) are granted a temporary respite when the logistics of burning such a large group of zombies becomes apparent; no simple platform in the center of the the courtyard is going to be sufficient. Their numbers have grown enough that there isn't room for an audience as well as the pyre.

Zomzey orders that the pyre be set up in the field outside the West Gate (which was never capitalized before, only being referred to as "the gate" if it was referred to at all, but it suddenly has Great Import). It's taking the zombie guards quite awhile to get the boards and kindling moved through Nottingham, since they're all shuffling; that is, until Zombie Archer, in his ever-unhelpful-to-the-outlaws way, points out that they could set up a line and pass the wood down.

The other members of the zombie gang shoot him exasperated looks, but he is only vaguely apologetic. "Hey, maybe the king will let me go now."

Zombie Robs looks like he understands. "And then you'll free us. Good thinking, brother!"

Zombie Archer blinks. "Oh, um. Yes. Right, of course that was the plan."

But neither the plan Zombie Robs has proposed, nor Zombie Archer's initial thoughts of self-preservation, come to pass. ZGKR doesn't even notice that the zombie guards have been helped. Zomzey does, but couldn't care less as long as his orders are being carried out.

Soon, the pyre has been reconstructed in the field, and the zombie gang is being led out in a line, ropes tied round their waists. (They'd tried to bind their wrists behind them, but that got rather messy rather quickly.)

ZLJ and ZQE have arrived at the edge of Sherwood in time to see this.

"Oh, dear," ZQE murmurs. "We'll never get there in time."

ZLJ is trying frantically to come up with a plan, when suddenly, a few things happen all at once:

-A gorgeous, young ginger knocks over a zombie guard, grabbing his sword and swooping toward Zombie Guy, slicing through his ropes.

-A swarm of zombie squirrels and birds, led by none other than ZS Gen. Al, come shuffle-scampering/shuffle-flying (that one's tricky; but as with many things in our show, just don't question it too closely) out of the city gates.

-A net-bundled pile of shrieking zombie parts lands in the middle of the crowd that has gathered to watch the proceedings. (It appears to have been launched with some Mystical Eastern Flinging Device That is Not a Trebuchet (as we've already had a trebuchet), otherwise known as a MEFDTNT, which is located on a pirate ship in port at Hull.) (Shut UP Hull is TOO close enough to fire something into Nottingham, I asked the writers and they said so.)

Amongst the ensuing chaos, ZLJ and ZQE move in...


	9. Chapter 9

**CHAPTER NINE**

_There's a whole lotta drinkin' going' on._

**Disclaimer:** The zombie critters are still all ours, as is the MEFDTNT. The rest is just our twisted interpretation of stuff cooked up by people who have rights to it and make moneys off of it-- neither of which we do.

The MEFDTNT worked incredibly well, and Zombie Archer spares a thought for whoever fired it. He'll have to compliment their impossible accuracy.

When Zombie Guy is released from his ropes, a guard immediately runs for him, spear/stabby thinger pointed forward. The girl who has released him shouts, "No! Guy!" and jumps in front of the blade, not realising Guy could not be killed.

He holds her in his arms when she falls. "That was not necessary."

"I don't care what you say, I wanted to save you."

"No, I mean it really wasn't necessary. I am a zombie. I can't be killed."

"Oh. Well, no offence, but I'm not going to ask you to kiss me now."

"None taken." And then she dies.

_But._ Say it with me, people: This is ZombieHood. No hero dies in ZombieHood. Three cheers for Zombie Meg!

Unfortunately, this author forgot to mention the progress of ZLJ and ZQE, so we can only assume they are still approaching...

Yup, they're still approaching. They were quite a ways off, after all, and even though nearly everybody is moving at a shuffle, it will take them the longest to reach the action.

The Hungarian totally English peasants have fled in terror from the bundle in their midst, which is bumping and flailing in a pretty good interpretation of a one-woman catfight. Good on Zizzy for that observation.

The zombie birds are shuffle-swooping down to attack the zombie guards, whose armor and helmets aren't good for much more than hindering sight and movement. (They sure as heck won't stop an arrow or sword, anyway, so why would they stop bird beaks? Especially those of the zombie variety.)

The zombie squirrel army sets to work destroying the pyre and scattering the kindling, so that any hope of still setting anyone ablaze is pretty well shot down.

The zombie gang remains tied up, except for Zombie Guy, and the others are waiting for him to let them go. But he's still holding Zombie Meg, who's just come to.

"I'm so sorry," he laments. "This should never have happened to someone so young, with so much life."

She takes in her new form. "Are you kidding?" she exclaims.

He blinks. "Huh?"

"This. Is. AWESOME!" She jumps up, nearly dislodging her foot, but it manages to hold since she does have youth going for her, both beforehand and in relative newness to zombiehood.

"How is this 'awesome'?" asks Zombie Guy, stumped.

"Now my dad totally can't marry me off to some loser, and I can marry you!" she zombie-grins.

"Saywhatnow?"

She raises an eyebrow (by holding it in the air with her hand. Her immediate command of zombie expressions is admirable). "Do you have a problem with that?"

Somewhere deep in his soul, Zombie Guy finds himself fearing Zombie Meg's wrath, just ever-so-slightly. "Um. Of course not. But let's discuss that later."

"I want to discuss it now."

"Hey, that necklace you've got on."

"What about it?"

"Why don't you suck it for now, and we'll talk after we've freed the rest of the gang?"

"Why can't we talk first, and then free them?"

"You're thirsty."

"I'm not."

"But I did say, 'suck it,' so that has to count for something, right?"

Zombie Guy has a point, so Zombie Meg does as he suggests, and they move to untie the rest of the zombie outlaws.

As soon as they start to do so, Zombie Robs shrugs off the ropes because he's already loosened them, because that's what he does. He had to drop his arms to do that, though, so Zombie Guy helps him snap them back on.

Just then, ZLJ and ZQE arrive.

ZLJ arrives just ahead of ZQE, whose arms are still stretched in front of her (a little too far) to try and get to his bum.

Zombie Robs, however, has no interest in such proceedings. For some reason, when Zombie Guy snapped his arms back in place, he got it in his head that the two of them must go to a tavern together to eat some chicken (brains) and start some shenanigans. He explains this to Zombie Guy.

Zombie Guy looks confused, but agrees that, when this is over, that is what they will do. After all, it will keep him from having to have that discussion with Zombie Meg.

Meanwhile, Zombie Maz throws her arms around Zombie Rob's neck, and proclaims that he is the 'lord of her heart.' She even gives it to him to prove her point.

From where she's clutching his head (it having come off after she hugged him so exuberantly), he eyes her strangely, since this is not exactly Zombie Maz-like behavior.

"Marian, are you feeling well?"

She grins at him, planting a kiss on his lips before reattaching his head. "I've never been better, darling; why do you ask?"

When she kisses him, he catches a whiff of her breath. Underneath the zombieness, he picks up hints of... no, it couldn't be... not Marian...

"Have you been _drinking?_" he asks incredulously.

She giggles, which ends in a hiccup. "Why, husband dear," she slurs, giving him a shove that dislodges both her wrist and his shoulder, "dow hare you! I mean, how yare dou! I mean... oh, sod it. Yes."

Zombie Robs quickly does a mental review of everything that's happened, but still can't quite figure this out: "When?"

She makes a wild gesture toward the castle, making her loose wrist dangle precariously. "The... the... um. That man, the one in the dungeon... y'know, with the keys."

"The jailer?"

"RIGHT! The JAILER! I was thirsty, wasn't I, and the..." She squints at him, trying to remember the word he just gave her.

"Jailer," he supplies patiently.

"Yes, the _jailer_ had this flask, y'see, so I snagged it when his tack was burned... erm, back was turned. It was whateverwasin the flask that burned. But I was thirsty, thinkIsaidthat, so I drank it..." She then tries to cover her mouth and lets out a delicate burp. But she's used her loose hand, and stares at it as if hypnotized as it swings back and forth in front of her.

Zombie Robs sees what's coming and stands behind her. "3... 2... 1..." he mutters, catching her as she passes out, right on cue.

"Right then," he sighs. "My gang, this way!" And they all shuffle back toward camp.

Zombie Guy stares at the now-unconscious Zombie Maz in Zombie Rob's arms, bemused. "Well, that certainly explains a lot."

"I know, right? She does the most out of character things when she drinks," agrees Zombie Robs. "John, could you take her for me?" He indicates his shoulder, which was struggling with the task because it's still loose from Zombie Maz's shove. When ZLJ has taken her from his arms, they continue on back to camp.

"And I wonder where she got that white dress. Oh, well; suppose that came from the jailer, too."

"I did always wonder about him," Zombie Guy agrees, deadpan.

Zombie Robs pops his shoulder back in. One of the perks of zombiehood is that it doesn't make him scream in pain to do that anymore. One of the drawbacks is that his cross tattoo just isn't the same as it was; it's a bit wibbly now.

Well, he muses, life is full of compromises. Apparently, un-life is no different.

After he gets Zombie Maz settled into their bunk, Zombie Robs turns to Zombie Guy. "So. About that tavern."

Zombie Guy gives him a funny look. "Right. What was that all about, again?"

"Well, I know of this one that serves the nicest chicken; I'd guess that their chicken brains would be just as delicious. And you can't have chicken-- or chicken brains-- without a side of shenanigans, can you, now?"

"Erm..."

"What's this, then?" Zombie Meg pipes up. "You think you can just go out with the lads, without checking with me first?"

Most of Zombie Guy is irritated at her presumption, but there's that tiny bit of him again that fears her. "I don't have to go if you don't want me to," he offers.

She giggles and slaps him lightly on the arm, setting his elbow crooked. "Oh, that's all right. Just behave; no flirting with the barmaids."

"Did somebody say 'barmaids'?" Zombies Allan and Archer ask simultaneously.

Zombie Guy's starting to wonder if he's lost his mind, and realizes that, indeed, there is a bit of it dribbling out of his left ear. After pushing it back in, he thinks that a drink or twenty might not be a bad idea.

"Lead the way," he says, gesturing for Zombie Robs to precede him out of the camp.

Zombie Robs takes them to a tavern near Locksley, the one he hopes will have chicken brains as nice as its chicken.

As they are about to enter, an arrow flies through the air in front of them, bearing a sign that says, "TAVERN NEAR LOCKSLEY". None of them look particularly surprised except for Zombie Archer, who is looking around wildly for an...archer. Hmm.

"Don't worry, Brother; we're not in any danger," says Zombie Robs helpfully.

"It happens a lot," adds Zombie Guy.

"Kind of helpful, really," concludes Zombie Allan.

"Right," says Zombie Archer. "I need a drink."

They all move into the tavern, and order two servings of chicken brains and four ridiculously large flagons of ale. Whilst Zombie Archer and Zombie Robs discuss possible shenanigans, with Zombie Guy looking on in bafflement, Zombie Allan flirts with the barmaid who delivers their food and ale.

She finds the fact that he is a zombie a bit disconcerting at first, but the fact that he is Zombie Allan means he cannot fail. She falls for those big blue eyes around the same time they fall from his head.

The barmaid's own eyes widen. "Um, are you all right?"

"Never better," Zombie Allan assures her, popping them back in.

She squints at him curiously. "Does that happen often?"

He laughs. "If it's not my eyes, it's an arm, or a leg, or something."

Her curiosity deepens. "What do you mean by 'something'?"

With a grin, he stands and carefully links arms with her, moving toward the stairs to the upper level of the tavern. "Let's find out, eh?"

Zombie Archer, not one to be ignored when the ladies are concerned, calls, "I can juggle mine."

Everybody stops and stares at him. "You can juggle your _what?_" The barmaid asks the question that's on everyone's mind.

He looks around at them, confused. "My eyeballs. Why, what did you think I meant?"

Zombie Guy resists the urge to smack his half-brother, since he just doesn't feel like picking up the scattered pieces that are sure to ensue. Zombie Robs grumbles something into his flagon as he guzzles half of it.

The barmaid, however, is still watching Zombie Archer. "I have a friend who's gonna love you," she states. Looking toward the bar, she yells, "Hey, Kate!"

The outlaws freeze in terror. Except Zombie Archer, who's evidently intrigued.

They all watch as a barmaid who'd been leaning against the bar, her back to them, shuffles around.


	10. Chapter 10

**CHAPTER TEN**

_Shenanigans and disturbing events ensue at the tavern._

**Disclaimer:** TA/BBC wish they'd thought of this (or so we assume). We wish we had rights to or profits from it. This is what's called a "conundrum."

"How is that even possible?" Zombie Guy murmurs, terror and awe in his voice.

The other barmaid, whom we'll call Ilsa because it's a nice name and it's not her fault she didn't comprehend the horror about to be unleashed, glances quizzically at Zombie Guy. "It was the strangest thing; there was a knock on the door about an hour ago, and when we opened it, there was a kicking, screaming net outside. Down the road a ways, we could see a guy from Nottingham running back toward the town. When we opened the net, there was this lovely young zombie woman inside, just in pieces. So we put her back together-- well, mostly; we couldn't figure out what to do with a braid we found, since the only place it would've fit didn't make any sense, so we just pitched that into the rubbish bin."

It dawns on Zombies Robs and Guy that this must have happened whilst the zombie gang was back at camp.

Zombie Archer, meanwhile, grins at her. "We may not be related, but she is pretty smokin' hot, herself." He winks at Zombie Kate and gives her a "how YOU doin'?" chin nod.

"She's all yours," Zombie Robs informs his half-brother.

"Good luck with that; you may want to remove your ears," notes Zombie Guy.

"Uh, okay," Zombie Archer shrugs, as Zombie Kate shuffles over.

She glares at the zombies still seated at the table. As she opens her mouth, Zombie Guy cuts her off. "Yes, yes, I killed your brother, yada yada yada. By the way, in case you haven't noticed, WE'RE ALL ZOMBIES. You can probably dig the boy up, dust him off, and he'll be good as new. Well, better than you were thinking, anyway."

Staring at him in shock, she finally pops her jaw closed (by pushing it shut with her hand). "Oh."

Zombie Archer gets her attention. "Have I mentioned, I'm not just any zombie, but a ninja-samurai-pirate zombie?"

"What's a 'ninja-samurai-pirate'?" she asks.

"I'd be glad to demonstrate," he offers.

She shrugs, and he gallantly pops her shoulder back into place. "Okay," she agrees, shambling toward the stairs, where Zombie Allan and Ilsa have already disappeared.

Zombie Robs turns to Zombie Guy. "Now that it's just us, how about a food fight?"

Zombie Guy gives him an odd look. "What is that going to accomplish?"

"Dunno, but it should be a lot of fun."

Zombie Guy realizes he hadn't made much time in his life for fun, and decides to make room for it in his un-life. "Uh, sure, why not?"

Zombie Robs gives him a handful of chicken brains and grabs a bunch for himself. A twinkle in his eye, he says, "Ready? One... two... THREE!"

On 'THREE', chicken brains begin flying in both directions, and Zombie Guy and Zombie Robs duck behind chairs. After a few minutes of throwing brains, Zombie Guy has the sudden and startling realisation that he is laughing, head thrown back (temporarily detaching until he pushes it back on), and just generally having a good time.

Zombie Guy continues laughing, until suddenly, he is hit full in the face by a pie. Zombie Robs stands up from behind his chair, trying not to laugh and failing miserably.

"I didn't think we were fighting with pies," grumbles Zombie Guy.

"I didn't throw it," Zombie Robs declares.

Suddenly, a familiar voice is heard from by the door of the tavern. "Do we like it?!"

Zombie Robs turns in shock. Walking towards them is Roy, long-since-dead member of the gang. He is in a particularly decomposed state of Zombification. Hai Zombie Roy.

"Roy! How did you get here? Have you been a Zombie this whole time?" Zombie Robs is understandably curious. He has twice had to catch his eyebrow as it fluttered towards the floor.

"I was spending time with me mother. We 'ad loads of catching up to do. She made me into a Zombie so we could have some quality time together."

"_She_ made you into a Zombie?" Zombie Guy has wiped the majority of the pie from his face, and in the spirit of Zombie love has not held a grudge. "How did she do that?"

"She found a book o' spells. But she can't read, can she, and I guess using pictures weren't quite enough. It went a bit far."

Zombie Robs catches on. "So _that's_ why everyone dying in Nottinghamshire is becoming a Zombie."

Zombie Roy joins Zombie Robs and Zombie Guy at the table, and they order him his own flagon of ale. Food fight over, they turn their attention to eating the chicken brains, rather than throwing them.

Zombie Guy has to admit that these are, indeed, the nicest chicken brains he's ever tasted. Not that he's much of a judge; Zombie Much has been trying to pass off squirrel brains as chicken brains, but the gang's not buying it any more now than they did when it was meat under debate.

Although, he wonders if that will change now that there's the zombie squirrel army at the outlaws' back. He'll have to ask Zombie Much.

"So, what are the chances of gettin' me tag back from John?" Zombie Roy asks jokingly, figuring he knows the answer.

Zombie Robs swallows his chicken brains uncomfortably, and tosses back a good portion of ale to help them go down the right way. Let's ignore what could happen to a zombie's innards if food goes down the wrong way; all this limb business is bad enough. "Um, I sort of gave it away."

"You _wot?_"

"It was to John's son!" Zombie Robs exclaims defensively.

Zombie Roy looks a little pouty.

"I'm sure Will'll be glad to whip up a new one," Zombie Robs adds.

Zombie Roy grumbles something that sounds suspiciously mocking. Then he swigs some ale, and gestures toward Zombie Guy with his flagon. "Wot's 'e doin' 'ere, anyway?"

Zombie Robs grins and smacks Zombie Guy jovially on the back. Another tavern patron, drunk enough that he isn't bothered by anything anymore, picks Zombie Guy's head up from where it's rolled next to his feet and tosses it back to the outlaws' table. Impressively, Zombie Guy catches his own head without being able to see much more than the room spinning by, and then reaffixes it.

"Not bad," Zombie Roy admits.

"Guy's with us now," Zombie Robs declares broadly. "He's nearly a brother to me."

"Nearly," Zombie Guy emphasizes.

Zombie Roy glances back and forth between them as if they've lost their minds. Zombie Guy double-checks his, and finds it more or less where it belongs.

"We share a half-brother," Zombie Robs explains, just as there's a loud shriek from upstairs. They all jump to their feet with the intention of checking to make sure all is well, when the shriek turns into... um, different sorts of shrieks.

Sharing a distinctly uncomfortable glance, Zombies Robs and Guy resume their seats, as does Zombie Roy.

"Wot's that all about?" he demands.

"You're really better off not knowing," Zombie Guy assures him, downing the rest of his ale in one fell swoop.

Zombie Robs looks nauseous. And if you've never seen a zombie look nauseous, it's quite a sight.

Zombie Allan sticks his head out of a door at the top of the stairs, within sight of the table. "Everything all right?" he calls curiously.

Before they can respond, he's yanked back into the room, which dislodges his arm. The door slams shut as his arm hits the floor with an odd thud. Then, the door opens just enough for a non-zombie, feminine arm to reach out, grab the fallen limb, and pull it back inside; then the door is slammed shut again.

"I think we're going to be here awhile," Zombie Robs notes with a sigh. Then, his eyes twinkling, he peers over at Zombie Guy. "Moar shenanigans?"

Zombie Guy signals the bartender for another round. "Let me get a little drunker first, hey?"

Zombie Guy is true to his word, and not much later, as Zombie Robs turns to Zombie Roy to explain the whole half-brother situation in more detail, a large glob of chicken brains hits him square in the chest. With a hand still attached.

"Oi!" He turns to look at Zombie Guy, and has to laugh at the look on his face. He has absolutely no chance of ever appearing innocent. Especially considering he is now short one hand.

"Wot's with the brains, then?" Zombie Roy asks with a kind of vague curiosity.

"Why?" Zombie Guy asks as he pulls his hand free of Zombie Robs chest and reattaches it. "What do _you_ eat?"

"I eat me Mum's cooking. Chicken livers, mostly."

Zombie Robs raises an eyebrow at this. The upward momentum sends it fluttering off his face and in to the air. Zombie Guy catches it as it floats past his face and passes it back. Zombie Robs nods to Zombie Guy in thanks, then says to Zombie Roy, "But... we're zombies. Zombies need brains to live. Erm, unlive."

"I seem to be doin' all right," Zombie Roy points out.

A split-second later, his head, arms and legs all fall off.

"I hate it when that happens," he grumbles from somewhere underneath the guys' bench.

Zombie Robs retrieves Zombie Roy's head as Zombie Guy snaps his limbs back into place. After he's all put back together, Zombie Guy slides the plate of chicken brains in front of him without comment.

Also without comment, Zombie Roy tucks in.

Just then, Zombie Allan flies out of the bedroom and down the stairs, draped in a sheet. (Well, the zombie equivalent of flying, anyway.)

Before any of them can speak, Zombie Allan has joined them at the table, taken Zombie Robs's flagon from in front of him, and downed the contents. His eyes are wide, and precariously close to falling out.

Zombie Guy points this out to him, and Zombie Allan pushes them all the way back in.

"Something you want to share, Allan?" Zombie Guy asks.

"He wasn't kidding about the juggling thing, let's put it that way." He might have been enjoying himself earlier, but even Zombie Allan has his limits.

Zombie Robs looks vaguely sick again. Zombie Roy just looks confused. "Don't ask," Zombie Guy says in response to that.

Zombie Allan, meanwhile, is looking at Zombie Roy in interest. "Where'd _you_ come from? You should be dead."

"Technically, Allan, the same could be said of you." Zombie Guy says in amusement.

Zombie Robs laughs at that, having had time to remove the horrible images from his mind. This was done somewhat literally.

"Right then, lads, should we head back to camp? I'm sure Archer is...keeping himself entertained."

"Wait a minute-- what was Archer doing in your room?" Zombie Guy asks Zombie Allan.

"Kate... erm... needed a minute to put herself back together, I guess, and he came through this connecting door, yeah? And I told him to jigger off, but then Ilsa asked if he could stay--"

Zombie Robs holds up a hand (for once, his own, and still attached to his wrist!) and says, "That's enough. _Please._"

Suddenly, a shriek to end all shrieks shakes the foundations of the building. Everything stops: the tavernkeeper stops wiping down the bar, the barmaids halt in their tracks, the patrons freeze with flagons halfway to their mouths, the lutist in the corner is so surprised that he plucks a string too hard and it breaks. The only movement is Zombie Roy's ear dropping off his head from the reverberation and insufficient brain consumption.

All eyes sweep over toward the staircase, and moments later, Zombie Archer comes swaggering out of the second bedroom, straightening his seven hundred belts. Descending the staircase, he gives his companions a cocky grin. "Well, lads, shall we?"

Zombie Allan needs no further prodding, still disturbed from what he witnessed earlier. He shuffle-runs toward the exit.

"Don't you want your clothes first?" Zombie Archer calls after him.

"Nope!" Zombie Allan calls over his shoulder, clutching his sheet and getting a weird sense of deja-vu.

As they step outside, Zombie Kate sticks her head out an upper window, clutching it by the hair. "Lardner me?" she calls to Zombie Archer.

"Of course, you beauteous vision, you angel come to steal my heart!" he calls back.

She pulls her head back in for a second, and then sticks it back out again, this time on her neck. "Oh, sorry; I didn't mean to keep it!" And she tosses his heart out to him.

He catches it, not having realized he'd actually forgotten it. "It was metaphorical, but thanks," he mutters.

And with that, the group is shuffling back toward camp, Zombie Roy now amongst their numbers... but Zombie Kate still too busy reassembling herself to join them.


	11. Chapter 11

**CHAPTER ELEVEN**

_The zombie gang has a plan._

**Disclaimer:** Locksley might have undergone changes, but our status regarding rights and moneys and such, sadly, has not.

A relatively short (by Zombie standards) shuffle later, and they arrive back at camp. Zombie Allan, in his current state of undress, is the cause of several eyebrows floating merrily on the breeze before they are snatched back by their owners.

Zombie Meg however, only has eyes for Zombie Guy. Clinging to his arm, and then the rest of him when she reattaches it, she stares up at him admiringly. "Will I ever get to see you in a sheet like that?"

Zombie Guy looks down at her for a moment, willing to admit she terrifies him, just a little. Luckily, he is saved from having to answer by a loud guffaw from Zombie Roy.

Zombie Much is standing over his cooking pot with spoon in hand, looking at Zombie Roy with his mouth hanging open, precariously close to losing his jaw.

"Wait, what is _he_ doing here?" Zombie Much protests.

"Who's that?" Zombie Djaq asks Zombie Will.

"Roy?" ZLJ says incredulously, inadvertently answering Zombie Djaq's query. He strides over and gives Zombie Roy a back-thumping man-hug, which loosens all sorts of Zombie Roy's limbs (even moreso than it would anyone else, since he's still a bit on the brain-deprivation side).

Zombie Maz is sitting in the corner of hers and Zombie Robs's bunk, clutching her head (in her lap, having yanked it off in frustration when it wouldn't stop pounding from her massive hangover). "Isn't he the one who tried to kill you, Robin?"

"Yeah, but that's in the past," Zombie Robs shrugs, managing not to lose his arm in the process because he has been practicing.

Zombie Guy is still torn between basking in Zombie Meg's adoration and being afraid of her psycho mood swings, and carefully says, "Speaking of things that are in the past, I've been thinking that I might go dig up Kate's dead brother and see if I can't reanimate him, to shut her up."

Nearly everybody agrees that this is a splendid idea.

"But what about the villagers?" ZLJ pipes up.

"And the Sheriff manipulating the king?" Zombie Djaq adds.

"And all of you keeping it down?" moans Zombie Maz.

"And some clothes?" shivers Zombie Allan.

Zombie Robs thinks quickly, looking the gang over. "Right. I have a plan that should take care of all of that."

They all give him somewhat understandable looks of scepticism.

"What plan could you possibly have that could solve all of that, Robin?" Zombie Maz's voice is muffled from behind her hands which are still clutching her head in her lap.

"Right," says Zombie Robs in his best authoritative, 'I am your Zombie leader and shall solve all our problems' tone. "First things first. Allan, I'm sure if you go looking, you will find suitable clothes. I think it is safe to say we would all appreciate that." Half-naked Zombie is not a pretty sight. Even if it is half-naked Zombie Allan.

He turns to Zombie Maz. "Marian, my love, I think it would be best if you reattached your head. Your brain will...recover better up there."

"Robin, this is not one plan. This is a lot of seperate plans," moans Zombie Maz. _She really sounds whiney when she's hungover,_ thinks Zombie Guy.

"Agreed," adds ZLJ. "And you still haven't mentioned the villagers."

Zombie Robs reaches up for the wooden pole above his head in frustration. Unfortunately, his arms detach and his body collapses to the floor, which kind of spoils the affect he was going for. Once he has righted himself (with some assistance from Zombie Allan, who is now dressed) he decides it is safer to simply cross his arms, and continues. "All right," he finally says. "How about this: We very quietly" --he nods at Zombie Maz-- "sneak into the castle. While we're there, we'll beat up a guard and take his clothes (since Marian's hand-me-downs just don't suit you that well, sorry, Allan)" --a nod at Zombie Allan,-- "and then nab the king" --nod to Zombie Djaq,-- "so we can take him to one of the villages" --nod to ZLJ,-- "which should remind him of what side he should be on."

"While we're by the castle, we can dig up Kate's bloody brother, too," Zombie Guy points out.

"Good thinking. Now, is everybody satisifed?"

"Not exactly," ZQE mutters, eying ZLJ.

"This is a brilliant plan!" Zombie Tuck exclaims. "The people will hear of this far and wide."

Just then, the Head of Zombie Carter starts yelling from its lookout position. "Somebody's coming!"

Everybody tenses, wondering who could be approaching the camp. Zombie Robs moves to the entrance, the rest of the Zombie Gang shuffling up behind him. Whom he sees makes him grin so widely, his jaw drops off. Zombie Much picks it up for him, and he snaps it back in place. Whilst this is going on, their mysterious visitor has come closer.

"Thornton!" Zombie Robs greets with enthusiasm. He hadn't seen Thornton since before his latest trip to the Holy Land.

"Master Robin, is that you?"

Zombie Robs realises his appearance has changed, more than somewhat. "Yes!" He responds with the same enthusiasm.

"What, back from the Holy Land?" Thornton is looking at him in a mix of confusion, disbelief, and a small amount of horror.

"Yes..." _Obviously,_ Zombie Robs thinks with some impatience.

"And alive?"

"Not...exactly." Zombie Robs concludes, breaking this news as gently as it might be broken.

Thornton seems even more bewildered now, but it is his young Master, of that he has no doubt. Not knowing the proper etiquette of Zombie Hugs, he embraces Zombie Robs heartily. Unfortunately, this causes Zombie Rob's body to detach from his legs, knocking them both to the ground.

"You lost your arms!" Thornton exclaims. "Ohhh, how terrible!" He's helping retrieve body parts, and as he picks a couple up, he gives Zombie Robs a strange look. Not wishing to cast aspersions on his master, he says, confused yet supportive, "But you grew some nice boobs."

"No, those are mine," ZQE calls, coming forward to claim them. "Thank you; I'd forgotten where they'd gotten to. I was TRYING to play a game with my Big Zombie Bear, but apparently he's not familiar with hide-and-seek."

ZLJ, well-versed in childhood games, merely whistles and looks up at the vine-roof.

"Anyway, Thornton, what are you doing here?" Zombie Robs asks.

The bemused housekeeper is looking around, and his eyes widen so far, they'd have dropped out were he a zombie. "Is that... Prince John?"

ZPJ grins fabulously, striding forward to greet his public. "It is." He holds out his beringed hand for Thornton to kiss, but the zombie scent is rather off-putting, so Thornton merely nods at it whilst backing away discreetly. "Does he love me?" ZPJ murmurs to Zombie Robs, who looks at him as if he's got ferrets coming out his ears. (He doesn't. Perhaps a bug or two, but nothing of true note.)

"I really don't think that's the biggest issue we have at the moment," Zombie Robs bites out.

"Maybe not to YOU," ZPJ pouts.

Receiving a save-me look from the zombified former lord of Locksley, Thornton hesitantly replies, "Yes... I love you, sire."

The crucial things being taken care of in his mind, ZPJ beams all around and steps back to where Zizzy is still plotting, rolling her boogedy eyes around in her hands like those stress-chime-ball-thingies that were really popular awhile ago.

"What are you doing here?" Zombie Maz cuts in, tired of waiting for the silliness to cease to get the answer.

Thornton replies, "Well, milady, it's like this." Zombie Robs turns his attention from ZPJ back to Thornton with interest as he continues. "The Sheriff has taken Locksley as his own, and -"

"Oh for the love of...can _no one_ find their own homes?" Zombie Robs interrupts. There is an amused snort from somewhere in the direction of Zombie Guy at this outburst.

Zombie Maz puts a comforting hand on Zombie Robs's arm, though she would be rolling her eyes if she could be bothered going through with the process of picking them up again. "Perhaps you should let him finish, Robin."

Zombie Robs gestures with his hand for Thornton to continue.

"Thank you. As I was saying, he has moved himself in to the Manor, made the whole place stink to the high heavens I have to say, and...oh, sorry. No offence meant, Master." He has forgotten the equally smelly company he was currently keeping, lord knows how.

"None taken, Thornton. Go on."

"It's because of King Richard, you see. He wished to claim the castle as his own. And felt that the Sheriff should be happy enough with the largest holdings in Nottingham."

Zombie Robs sighs. The thought of Zomzey in Locksley does not sit well with him. "This could be our chance, lads. We have much greater odds of getting to him in Locksley."

All the Zombies turn their attention, and then their ears, in Zombie Robs direction, assuming this means he had a plan. Well, half a plan.

He looks around at them blankly. "What?"

"What's your plan?" ZLJ queries.

Zombie Robs shakes his head, catching it when it starts to slip. "I just meant that it'd be easier to get to him there than sneaking into the castle. I don't have a plan... yet. Let me think."

"I have a plan," Zombie Will pipes up. All eyes fly to him, and then there's a lot of confusion when everybody tries to get the right ones back. After that's sorted, he says, "Djaq's been making loads of Greek fire; that's why she's been so quiet. If we blow Locksley Manor sky-high, there's no way the Sheriff could survive it."

Zombie Robs looks concerned. "But... that manor's been in my family for generations."

Zombie Guy shrugs, a safe move since Zombie Meg is holding his arm in place. "Technically, that's true. But I've had some pretty extensive renovations done to it."

"_WHAT??_"

"You're honestly telling me you haven't noticed that the face of the manor is almost completely different?"

Zombie Robs stares at him for a minute, then turns to Zombie Djaq. "Blow it to hell."

"Robin, doesn't that seem rather excessive?" Zombie Maz asks.

"I think Marian's right," Zombie Djaq agrees. "That would put the villagers in danger. But if we can lure the Sheriff somewhere away from people, we could blow him up there."

"And then we can follow through with the rest of the plan, about the king," Zombie Archer suggests.

"And clothes," adds Zombie Allan.

"Oh, _do_ give it a rest," Zombie Maz snaps. "You're a _zombie;_ the cold doesn't affect you."

"Not bein' funny, but that's a crock of sh--"

"Robin, I can show you a new way into Locksley Manor," Zizzy suddenly says. "It's one the Sheriff had put in after my brother left."

The other outlaws exchange uncertain looks, then swap until they each have one that suits them.

However, Zombie Robs merely nods. "Good. I'll go with you and draw him out. The rest of you, wait in the woods, and get some of that powder ready."

Zombie Maz snags Zizzy's sleeve as they all go to leave, and hands it and her arm back before hissing, "If you harm him, you'll have to answer to me."

"I'm SO scared," Zizzy sneers.

Zombie Maz's back is to everybody else, and nobody but Zizzy is able to see exactly what expression Zombie Maz gives her then. But whatever it is, it causes Zizzy to pale.

"And don't forget it." Satisfied, Zombie Maz joins the rest of the gang as if nothing's happened.

"All right, lads. Let's go!"


End file.
